RED SQUARE – Onlookers at the weekly farmer’s market were left baffled when a group of students gathered, insisting that the nordic country of Sweden is completely fabricated. “I was in line to get some bubble tea when all of a sudden I heard a bunch of shouting about Sweden and government lies,” said Alicia […]

Step 1: Acquire the commodities. Start the night by locating the alcohol. Pick whatever variety vaguely smells like vomit to you. That means you’ve thrown it up before and it’ll likely be your best bet. *If you’re underage, either wait for your strangely pushy Grandmother to offer you a drink or perhaps opt for snagging […]

DAHLGREN CHAPEL – Saturday’s nuptials in Dahlgren Chapel, featuring John and Stephanie as the groom and bride, were a memorable day overall. However, all positive elements of the wedding were eclipsed by a truly weak, disappointing performance by Stephanie during the vows. As the guests entered the chapel, leaves crunched underfoot and a breeze tugged […]

GEORGETOWN – In an attempt to cement their position as Georgetown’s cool couple, Marina De Souza (NHS ‘21) and Kelvin Strenski (COL ‘21) hit the party scene dressed as a moth and a lamp. “It just seemed so fun and original” De Souza said, “and I also had this super cute moth costume just lying […]

No, really: http://www.thehoya.com/mens-group-files-title-ix-complaint-university/?fbclid=IwAR1rbJRxxXEaM-liEMX6YhskTv2R479WdVZTS8Nfc1x_q_4zTRJdp-Ji6gs

WASHINGTON – As autumn descends upon Georgetown, one specific campus group has really caught the fall fever and their most recent promotion is evidence of this. Our beloved EMS service is now offering hayrides in expectation of a very busy Halloweekend. Senior Griffin Reid (COL ‘19) spoke on behalf of the organization, saying, “We’ll be […]

WASHINGTON – It’s 3:45 and the visceral ache in the two tones descending upon the campus of Georgetown University make one thing clear: the collective crawl towards an inevitable and painful ending has progressed another quarter of an hour. Or maybe they are funeral bells lamenting the quietus of the bright, innocent days of childhood. […]

COOPER FIELD–Expectations for the Men’s Lacrosse program are especially high this year after a preseason ranking of number 17. However hopes for the team were decidedly tempered late last night when the Heckler released its own ranking, identifying the Men’s Lacrosse Team as “Number 1 biggest jerks”. While competition this year was especially fierce, the […]

OLIVE GARDEN—Earlier today, Local Dad Gary Jenson spent twenty minutes conversing with waiter and Rosslyn Olive Garden’s employee of the month: the one and only, Steve. Jenson goes to Olive Garden almost every week, but still manages to have questions about the never-changing menu every time. After the Jenson family was deep in bottomless breadsticks […]