WILMINGTON, Del.–Much excitement has surrounded the shape of the Biden Administration’s future cabinet, especially considering the foreshadowed appointments of an all-female communications team, with groundbreaking numbers of people of color. Entering the White House to serve a nation plump with national crises has demanded of the new administration a tighter and more well-rounded executive, fit […]

CAIRO – On Thursday, a team of archaeologists uncovered what is likely the largest archaeological discovery of 2020 in the necropolis of Saqqara. In the televised press conference later that day, lead archaeologist Dr. Ned Finkenbiner announced his elevated heart rate and the discovery of 100 painted coffins in Saqqara, funerary masks, and canopic jars. […]

WASHINGTON – It just came in the mail, delivered by MY boys in blue, the good men and women of the United States Postal Service. My fingers fumbled with the packing tape, but after several broken nails, a severe cardboard cut, and a routine bloody nose, there it was. My very own Biden-Harris 2020 mask. […]

We at the Heckler know your situation. The Fountain Pen Boy from your discussion section, unannounced, introduces himself to you and applauds you on a great question last class. Before you know it, he explains the answer TA Josh gave you with a myriad of false and unnecessary details. We know what you’re thinking: What […]

Thanksgiving is upon us and it is time to baste the turkey. All eyes are on you. We all remember what happened last year. Use this guide to avoid the allure of sexualizing the bird and deliver a perfectly platonically basted Turkey to your family’s dining room table! Step 1: Get the gobbler ready for […]

Let’s face it. Love is difficult. Especially for those of us who are not Zooey Deschanel. So how exactly does a woman find love if she falls short of the unsurmountable standards Zooey has set, and she also lacks the necessary skills to be a good girlfriend? Here’s how: Get some bangs on your forehead, […]

After Sarah Killem posted a poll with 14 responses on the Free Food on Campus Groupme, she knew exactly what Hoyas needed from her GUSA campaign.  “The results are loud and clear: 98% of Hoyas would support the death penalty for classmates who wear suits to Zoom class,” Killem, hopeful tsar of the new GUSA […]

HELL — After 5 years of kicking it back Bulldog style in Doggy Heaven, Jack the Bulldog’s (b.2003, d.2015) afterlife was changed forever. Father Sleck, S.J, who has dedicated the past 3 years of his career to examining and overturning cold dog files, came upon Jack’s case this past week.  “A brave student tipped me […]

GEORGETOWN – I’ve tried everything. I’ve emailed him, I’ve attended his virtual office hours even though I’m not in any of his classes. I’ve even pretended to need spiritual guidance. But I don’t care about my spirit. All I yearn for is to be in his presence, and yet Father Carnes, that beautiful, beautiful man, […]

Dear Georgetown Students, Recently you should have received a letter from President DeGioia on the University’s decision to notify the Georgetown community of the Spring 2021 semester plans to continue with virtual classes, no later than November 16, 2020. We understand the impact our Spring plans will have on other aspects of your academic planning, […]