LEAVEY– If any of you are looking for a great place to park $1.25 after an insane night of partying, look no further.   These vending machines artfully placed in Hoya Court of the Leavey Center provide instant alleviation from those drunken cravings that can only be satisfied by sugar, fat and anything “edible.”   […]

HEALY — Freshman Zachary Katz (COL ’18) announced his intention to convert to Catholicism Monday after proofreading his classmate’s Problem of God paper. Having come to Georgetown without a faith background, Katz describes the “profound theological insights” contained in fellow freshman Ricky Whitman’s (COL ’18) essay as nothing short of “a spiritual awakening.”   “I […]

LEO’S – Several confidential sources for the Heckler have reported that a “full-blown nut job” is currently attending Georgetown.   The student whose sanity is in question, Anthony Brady (SFS ’17), raised several red flags after he was seen pouring his milk in the bowl before his cereal this Friday morning.   Brady, who by […]

STATEN ISLAND — Stating that all that is seen, done, and heard is simply “an ephemeral creation of the subconscious,” a Staten Island jury yesterday unanimously refused to indict a police officer in the choking death of Eric Garner. “A system of morality based on the facade of meaning in our existence is a thoroughly […]

DAHLGREN CHAPEL– In the aftermath of Pope Francis declaring evolution and the big bang theory as truth, the Georgetown Creationist Club has managed to maintain their contempt for science.   “It is certainly a blow to our club, but I believe we can come out of this stronger than before,” said club president Adam Smith […]

THE SALT PONDS OF MARAS —  After a four year search for a study spot that started in the lowly depths of Darnall Hall, student Henry Kirkpatrick (SFS ’15) reported last week he had found a study spot in the salt flats of Maras, Peru.   After four years of walking, ubering, and flying a […]

37th & O ST– This past week the Georgetown academic council was forced to take “drastic action” to combat grade inflation after many Georgetown professors reported that most students were receiving scores in the range of 92% – 97%. The Director of the Academic Council issued a public statement this past Monday, “In an effort […]

  LEAVEY — A small group of students, self-described as “committed to the principles of selfishness,” announced they have won University recognition for their new club TAKES.   According to founder William Hartnell (MSB ‘16), TAKES, which stands for “The Alliance of Kleptomaniacs Encouraging Selfishness,” will be an organization devoted to “promoting that dickish, selfish, […]

  OUTSIDE LEAVEY — Following the closing of another entrance after Thanksgiving break due to continued Northeast Triangle construction, University officials have reported students sole option to enter the Leavey Center is through the window of Todd Olson’s office on the fifth floor.   This controversial move, which the administration claims has been part of […]

HARIRI — Senior Garrett Carter (COL ’15), who recently accepted a federal lobbying position from the Exxon Mobil Corporation, told reporters he is “ready and excited to get out there and be a part of the problem.”   Carter, a government major, said he was acutely aware of the large influence that multi-national corporations have […]