COPLEY LAWN – At approximately 11 am this morning newly-trained tour guide Jon Diamond (COL ‘16), a caucasian, upper class resident hailing from Wyckoff, New Jersey was heard touting Georgetown’s diversity to a visiting group of upper class caucasian high schoolers and their parents from Ridgewood, New Jersey. Diamond reportedly talked about the “crazy” […]
HEALY HALL – University officials released a statement this week admitting that fire drills are really just the school’s effort to get students to take a break from studying and “go outside for once in their goddamn lives.” “We admire all the hard work that our students do, but Jesus Christ some of these […]
HENLE — According to University officials, a minotaur has taken up residence in the labyrinth outside Henle Village over this past weekend. “I was raised in a labyrinth back home in Crete and just don’t feel at home living anywhere else” said the man-bull hybrid in an interview with The Heckler. “Then I stumbled […]
NEVILS — “It was ruining everything. I was becoming alienated from my freshman roommate, I hated checking my phone, and it just really shows how selfish Jessica is,” said Chelsea Frampton (MSB ‘17). Reports having been brewing amongst confidential sources for the Georgetown Heckler for some time but last Thursday numerous credible sources confirmed […]
LAU 2—Citing the injustice of the On-Campus Requirement for the sophomore class, roommates Dino Liu (SFS 17) and Michael Han (COL 17) decided to adopt a child together. Han, the individual behind this idea to exploit the loophole allowing students to live with dependents off campus stated to reporters “babies probably don’t eat much because […]
GELARDIN — A new version of Tinder, Wealther, released exclusively at Georgetown matches students based on family assets. Instead of having a Facebook profile picture shown on screen, this new Wealther app has an asset profile listed on screen. The creators of the app believe this version will be “less invasive” and “promote more […]
NEW SOUTH — After a Saturday night that could only be described as “crazy wild” by New South 2 member Johnny Fernandez (COL ’18), his drunken hangover has transitioned to uneasy feelings about the red lace thong that has reportedly been lying in the hallway for approximately 75 hours. “My friends and I had […]
ICC — The latest opportunity for students looking to broaden their horizons this summer comes from Georgetown Office of Fellowships, Awards and Resources (“GOFAR”). The Slacker’s Grant will be awarded to one rising senior who plans to do absolutely nothing productive over the next summer. “We have identified a large group of students that […]
Dear Members of the Georgetown University Community, Please be advised that on Monday, November 10, 2014, at approximately 6:00 p.m., a student reported to the Georgetown University Police Department (GUPD) and Metropolitan Police Department (MPD) that between Sunday November 9, 2014 at 11:00 p.m and Monday, November 10, 2014 5:00 p.m. an unidentified U-Boat sank an unattended Allied merchant ship in […]