On Tuesday afternoon at a ribbon cutting ceremony, Corp CEO Sam Rodman (Col ʼ15) unveiled the Corpʼs new storefront: Corp Bathrooms. “This is an important day for Georgetown and our company. I could not be more proud,” said Rodman, standing before the stall door. “Weʼre filling an important need on campus. Thereʼs nothing like this […]
WASHINGTON – A time traveler from the year 2100 arrived today in the nation’s capital with assurances that despite facing overwhelming challenges, humanity’s political, economic, and social structures would remain intact well into the future. Appearing “out of the goddamn blue” according to federal agent Mike Weathers, a humanoid figure stepped out of what appeared […]
Although it could take months for Georgetown University officials to learn what caused the destruction of the satellite campus, they focused yesterday on the possibility that some or all of its pilots were severely inebriated, dooming the campus upon reentry. An almost lethal amount of alcohol struck the pilots’ bloodstream during the shuttle’s blastoff, officials […]
Following a long day of flyering and door-knocking across campus, Maurice James (SFS ʼ16), campaign manager of Zach & Dan: Building Your Georgetown, sat down with The Heckler at Saxbys to discuss the election. Speaking with an excited and hurried pace, he outlined the new strategy he is debuting ahead of the elections at the […]
When the Heckler looks at the fine candidates running for GUSA President whether they be Stewards, Second Stewards, or…Stewards draftees we are impressed but still left wanting. Sure they speak grandiloquently about “reform” and “accountability” and “plugging the leaks” but we all know that once elected they’ll become part of the same bland system that […]
RED SQUARE- At a ribbon-cutting ceremony on Thursday, Erin Forthe (SFS ʼ15) broke ground for Georgetownʼs newest student group – The Selective Club. “Weʼre filling an important gap in Georgetownʼs rich social environment,” said Forthe at a press conference. “Who wouldnʼt want to be a part of it?” Forthe went on to stress how impressive […]
LEAVEY CENTER – With allegation pouring in described as “shocking” and “eye opening,” the Georgetown University Student Association secret service has come under fire in the past week for a “perpetual failure to exist.” “These kinds of allegations, if true, place the security of prominent GUSA leaders in jeopardy,” said GUSA President Nate Tisa (SFS […]
NEW SOUTH – At a press conference on Monday, Freshman Mariah Fried (NHS ʼ17) announced plans for the immediate cessation of pleasantries with fellow Freshman Eric Studecar (COL ʼ17). Fried and Studecar, whose sole interaction took place in the form of a ten minute conversation on the weekend of September 28th 2013 at a Prospect […]
The American culture war heated up last week when celebrity science educator, Bill Nye “the Science Guy,” agreed to a debate over the merits of creationism as a viable explanation of human origins. Now tensions have escalated again after Mr. Nye challenged his opponent to a steel cage rematch that will finally decide “once and […]
Displaying a hauntingly agonized countenance, a breaded and flash-fried Leo O’Donovan has entered his third week of promoting the popular “Chicken Finger Thursdays” against his will. The former president of Georgetown University has now stood outside of the dining hall that bears his name for 504 straight hours at the direct order of current President […]