The application process for Resident Assistants is officially over, marking the end of the most lighthearted and bitter fight to the death seen on campus since last year’s process. The system, which managed to be both cheerfully quirky and sadistically cutthroat simultaneously, will be used as judgment to select next year’s crop of resident assistants. […]

Shocking reports continue to emerge regarding the student body at large, which has some how managed to not get drunk over Thanksgiving, during exams, or on most weekdays. The sobriety, which is a break from the normal 24/7 drinking that students partake in with only brief pauses to attend class, marks the first time in […]

An announcement coming out of the Leo J. O’Donovan Dining Hall is ruffling many feathers on campus, declaring that the only food to be served during will be chilled dishes, just because. The announcement, which forbids eating any foods made at the Wok, Pasta Bar, Bistro, or Diner, although such foods will be shown behind […]

Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your Facebook: Burleith residents are now bringing their blood-sworn jihad against Georgetown students to the world’s most popular social networking site. The Facebook page, which seeks to anonymously insult students using “friend-submitted” messages posted on its wall, has just over 800 friends. It was created as a counter-account […]

The university has entered a state of mourning following pop sensation Bono’s recent visit to campus, during which a student allegedly saw the star without his trademark shades and was quickly dispatched. The lead singer of U2 was seen ducking out of a far corner of Healy where the asphyxiated student was later found. When […]

Citing a need to “establish supremacy, once and for all,” the Georgetown Chimes and Capitol G’s, two all-male a cappella groups, will co-host a no-holds-barred fist fight to determine which group has greater skill. The Capitol G’s, who challenged the Chimes to the fight, have been preparing extensively for the match, practicing fight shanties into […]

The online community is reeling following the death of two Americans and injury of five others in an unproductive Facebook discussion about Israel’s conflict with Hamas. The discussion is the third such incident of the past few weeks, officially summarized as the Israeli idiot-Palestinian idiot conflict. The attack, which saw an Israeli photo-bomb dropped on […]

Conflicting reports emerging from the fourth-floor New South apartment of Fr. Christopher Steck, S.J., indicate that Jack the Bulldog, mascot of Georgetown University, is unsure if and what sexual innuendo is behind his favorite command to “EAT THAT BOX.” Jack himself recently gave a public statement on this issue. “Woof woof, bark bark bark, woof […]

Following the increasingly desperate string of emails inviting students to “A Thanksgiving Dinner at Leo’s with Jack DeGioia,” the very lonely university president attended the celebration all by himself. Grabbing fistfuls of sloppy Joe mix and piling high the “turkey” halfheartedly prepared by Leo’s workers, DeGioia was disappointed and lonely but not entirely without hope. […]

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