via HighTimes.com WASHINGTON, DC – Marijuana’s reputation as a “gateway” drug was recently corroborated by a recent study showing an incredibly high correlation between how long a person has used the drug and the frequency with which he or she brings it up in conversation.   Marijuana users’ tendency to move onto more dangerous habits […]

Dave McConnell (MSB ’17), a junior intern at the United States Central Intelligence Agency, has repeatedly been asked to leave parties after insisting on telling every attendee that he holds a “license to chill.”   “It’s not like I was going to use it,” McConnell said while pointing a finger-gun upwards. “I was just trying […]

Photo via sodahead.com   LEO’S – After gently spreading a layer of peanut butter on his toast, Sophomore Brett Davies (MSB ‘17) reportedly applied Nutella to that same piece of toast Tuesday morning  in an act of gross overindulgence.   Witnesses at the scene registered shock at Davies breach of toast decorum. “Look, we have […]

In a celebrated move that offers more flexibility to humanities majors, Georgetown College of Arts and Sciences Dean Dr. Jonathan Benson announced this week that the college will begin offering a new “Thoughts, Feelings, and Ideas” (TFI) major. “This is a huge step forward for Georgetown,” said Dr. Benson during Thursday’s press conference. “The majors […]

Photo via Huffington Post 36th STREET– In a miraculous turn of events sure to be retold for years to come, Andrew Watkins (COL ’16) rose from the floor of his townhouse this morning for the first time after slipping into an alcohol-induced coma three days earlier. According to eye-witness reports, Watkins hosted a party in […]

In an attempt to attract a younger, hipper applicant demographic, Georgetown University has replaced every S on campus with a Z. Assistant Director of Applicant Affairs Marilee Hardy, spoke about the new policy in an exclusive interview with The Heckler. “College ztudentz are a changing breed,” said Hardy, “and we at Georgetown have alwayz made […]

    In an unexpected turn of events, a wealthy international student purchased all the tickets for GPB’s Chainsmokers concert within the first minute. “When I smoke I usually go outside Lau, but I’m often alone. When I heard Chainsmokers were coming to town, and they were cool enough for people to pay to hang […]

Photo credit:  Drexel University   Scientists from the United States Center for Apathy Studies reported earlier this week that the transition between post-spring break slump and pre-Easter break slump was unusually smooth this year. “We are pleased to report that this transition went off even better than we originally projected,” said Kevin Lestrom, lead investigator […]

  To The Heckler readership and the Georgetown community,   There have been whispers around campus regarding the direction that The Heckler has taken since the recent GUSA election. Some have called into question the legitimacy of our content regarding certain members of the university administration.   Though the vast silent majority of our readership has enjoyed […]

For immediate release: The Heckler has no comment concerning the recent questions raised about our leadership. We remain dedicated to the comedic spirit of Georgetown and the immortal magnificence of Dr. Olson. Please refrain from further investigation, everything is under control.