DARNALL — A dusty Darnall bookshelf was finally put to use recently as Adam Hitchcock (COL ‘23) arrived on move-in day with way more books than he was ever realistically gonna get through. While the sheer masculinity of removing the books from his suitcase and placing them on his bookcase certainly impressed his roommate’s parents, […]

WASHINGTON– Ah, Fall is finally in the air! After a hot and humid September, Washingtonians rejoice as cooler weather is finally upon us. Temperatures dropped down to the high fifties last night, which certainly must have been a surprise for any scantily-clad late-night partygoers. Today looks to be our first truly autumnal day with a […]

HARBIN — Confused apprehension filled the halls of Harbin this weekend as freshman roommate pair Jack Archer (COL ‘23) and David Stenchman (SFS ‘23) reportedly got into a passive, yet heated discussion about the positioning of their beds. An anonymous source reports to The Heckler that, ignoring suggestions to simply bunk the beds, David really […]

WASHINGTON, DC – Democratic House leadership announced today that they were putting an immediate hold on any impeachment-related inquiries in order to focus on what they called “much more pressing issues.”   “Some things just take precedence over impeachment,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), “namely, the question that has haunted my dreams for the […]

NEW SOUTH—Jane Bakers (NHS ’23) moved into her New South dorm this fall ready to make new friends. But she wasn’t Jane Bakers. She was Natasha Birmingham (MSB ’23), and she was cool. James Hood (SFS ’21), The Heckler’s resident cool person, described her as, “the next big thing.” People love her name. They love […]

  YATES FIELD HOUSE – After a successful pre-dawn workout in which he utterly annihilated his bi’s, tri’s, and quad’s, Yates hunk Jerry Garcia (NHS ‘20, again, no relation) powerfully strode from the front doors of Yates to the steps, where he paused for a moment to take it all in.   As day broke […]

Freshman who were unable to impress only slightly older but much more attractive peers will line up like ugly ducklings to try to find some other uggos to hang out with. We have highlighted some groups who will be in attendance below:    PAC (Plain Ass Crusties) WGTB (Weally Gross Troll Boys)  GPB (Goblin People […]

To just say that The georgetown Heckler editor should’ve scoured this article for mistakes harder would be putting it lightly. Maybe the editor is feeling all edited out by now but this person really should be trying to uphold a standard here. its embarrassing.   Some of these sentences are far too long, clause after […]

Metropolitan police reported last night that a foul and sinister odor filled the air around Georgetown University around 8:06 PM. A witness alerted police to the stench that evening, citing fear and concern for the student population’s safety. The Heckler reached out to the witness for comment, who requested to remain anonymous. “I thought that […]