OLIVE GARDEN—Earlier today, Local Dad Gary Jenson spent twenty minutes conversing with waiter and Rosslyn Olive Garden’s employee of the month: the one and only, Steve. Jenson goes to Olive Garden almost every week, but still manages to have questions about the never-changing menu every time. After the Jenson family was deep in bottomless breadsticks […]

As a member of Love Saxa, you well know the perils of both the arcane magicks of the Devil’s consorts and the noxious vapors that hath brought plague down upon our fyne club. Determine the cause of your current misfortune quickly, lest your soul be shriven! 1. Hath ye, of late, been possessed by an […]

WASHINGTON – After experimenting with the contraption for days on end, we at the Heckler were able to synthesize the following information about uses for meat thermometers. We came in with high hopes, but, as I’m sure you will be, we were disappointed with the results of our investigation.   Telling time Not always accurate. […]

FLYNN PARK MIDDLE SCHOOL – A schoolwide surge of hope was decisively crushed Wednesday when sources revealed that Evan J., despite attending a regional summer camp dedicated exclusively to the subject, was still woefully unprepared for his 7th Grade Earth Science class. “I would never have sent him if I had thought, for even a […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Watergate Hotel, a staple of Washington’s tourist scene, has come under fire this week like never before. The Watergate – an institution famous for its unique architecture, complete makeover in the 1980’s, and continental breakfast – risks a permanent stain on its sterling reputation. Manager Ogden Weizenbaum’s mishandling of revenue cost […]

7. Westworld HBO’s Sci-Fi series Westworld brings up the rear of my list because frankly, I barely burnt my hand on the stove even once while I was watching it. At one point I accidentally grazed my hand on the smoldering hot stove as I was reeling in shock at the latest on-screen altercation, but I hardly noticed. A situation not […]

CAPE CANAVERAL – In an age of rapid, unprecedented technological advances, it can be easy for landmark discoveries by our nation’s leading scientists to get lost in the noise. Earlier today however, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) made an official announcement that is sure to set the scientific community, and society as a whole, on […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Andrew Custer (MSB ’20) was in rare form interviewing for his summer consulting job. From the “Hello my name is Andrew and I am humbled to be here” to the “it has been a pleasure and an honor speaking with you,” it was total domination. For starters, Andrew lured the unsuspecting interviewer […]