IN CLASS –  The school year has rolled around once again and amphibious Freshman Eugene Gloger (COL ‘22) was not prepared. The professor already told the class about herself and it became time for her to learn a little bit more about her students. She wanted all of the students to share their name and just one […]

GEORGETOWN – With warm weather and the end of classes in sight, the hardworking and studious students at Georgetown are beginning to cheer up at the prospect of summer vacation. Especially George. Freshman George St. George has been seen whirring around Lau, spreading the good news and holiday cheer like a child before Christmas. When […]

GEORGETOWN – Spring, and love, were in the air last weekend when freshmen Henry Swayne and Jackie Schmidt set up a hammock on Copley Lawn and sexiled the entire campus. As is the tradition when warm weather sets in, students flocked to the lawn to toss disc and tan this past Saturday, only to find a sock […]

GEORGETOWN – Students were shocked and confused this morning when reporting for classes in Georgetown’s own White-Gravenor Hall. This was primarily because White-Gravenor, which has stood at the Northern end of Copley Lawn since being finished in 1933, is no longer there, having been lost to Thayne McCulloh, President of Gonzaga University, in a hand […]

The ongoing saga of Mr. Whiskers’ sudden and untimely demise that has divided the small suburban community of Pleasant Hill, Iowa has finally been put to rest. After ruling it highly unlikely that curiosity played a major role in the gruesome event, the prevailing hypothesis among experts is that the Chevy Traverse that ran Mr. […]

GEORGETOWN – Building on the momentum of the wildly successful cashless campaign implemented earlier this year, Corp CEO Jacob Saunderson (COL ’18) recently announced that effective immediately, the Corp has transitioned to being completely moneyless. “After noticing that we never seem to have any money anyway, it was an easy logistical call,” said Saunderson. “Without having to worry about […]

GEORGETOWN– Closed after what was reported as a ‘steam leak,’ the Kober-Cogan Building, which was named after former dental school Dean William Cogan, was demolished Wednesday, releasing a chilling whisper at its untimely demise. “The dental school shall rise again…” hissed a sinister voice as a cold wind rushed out of the last ruined debris of the […]

Last week, Stephen Holloway (COL ‘19) was finally able to connect to SaxaNet after years of effort, but was immediately thwarted by a system failure caused by a fire at the facility. The incident occurred on Wednesday morning when Stephen entered the fourth floor of Lauinger Library and opened up his laptop to study economics. […]

ANNAPOLIS, MD – Maryland’s third congressional district was rattled by scandal this past week, as a slight gerrymandering mishap forced up-for- reelection Congressman John Sarbanes to begin courting an unexpected constituency: 13,234 harbor seals. This marine voting bloc of Phoca vitulina, or “the common seal,” had been accidentally tacked onto Maryland’s 3rd back in 2010 […]

WASHINGTON – Recent reports from the Georgetown Economics department may have devastating implications for Stephen, who according to the most recent data, is suffering devastating losses in demand for his opinions, contributions, and overall physical presence in his friend group. Trends indicate that this market will continue to crash until rock bottom, but we will let our […]