LEAVEY — A small group of students, self-described as “committed to the principles of selfishness,” announced they have won University recognition for their new club TAKES.   According to founder William Hartnell (MSB ‘16), TAKES, which stands for “The Alliance of Kleptomaniacs Encouraging Selfishness,” will be an organization devoted to “promoting that dickish, selfish, […]

  OUTSIDE LEAVEY — Following the closing of another entrance after Thanksgiving break due to continued Northeast Triangle construction, University officials have reported students sole option to enter the Leavey Center is through the window of Todd Olson’s office on the fifth floor.   This controversial move, which the administration claims has been part of […]

HARIRI — Senior Garrett Carter (COL ’15), who recently accepted a federal lobbying position from the Exxon Mobil Corporation, told reporters he is “ready and excited to get out there and be a part of the problem.”   Carter, a government major, said he was acutely aware of the large influence that multi-national corporations have […]

LXR – Six hours after picking up his new guitar from the LXR RHO Junior Thomas Flint (COL ’16) reported himself to the Heckler as the “next Bruce Springsteen”.   Flint described his mastery of the hit-song, Wonderwall (originally by Oasis) to reporters as “arduous” and as an “expression of soul.”   The musician reported […]

ICC — The Intercultural Center convulsed in violence yesterday as realist international relations scholars in the Department of Government invaded the office space of their liberal internationalist colleagues.   Striking swiftly and without warning, the realist professors launched a coordinated assault against the liberals, occupying their offices and annexing them for their own use.   […]

MIDWAY AIRPORT — Saying he was “tired” of fighting for the shared armrest with segments of the obese population and geriatrics, Senior Terrance Levine (MSB ’15) told reporters he’s optimistic that this time he would be locked into an endless struggle over a common armrest with an attractive female. “I’ve flown the Chicago-DC flight at least two […]

THE INTERNET — In an effort to increase social activity amongst pre-med students, the Center for Student Engagement and the Georgetown University Pre-Med Society have partnered to create a dating service for pre-med students called Covalent Bonds.   Senior Jack Crockett (COL ’15), creator and CEO of the service, described it as “a way to […]

Last weekend, my partner and I were mugged at gunpoint while responding to a call near Dupont Circle. The entire incident lasted under a minute, as I was forced to the ground, handed over my walkie talkie and was patted down.   And yet, when a reporter asked whether I was surprised that this could […]

SOUTHWEST QUAD — After nearly a semester of sitting next to each other in U.S. Political Systems and playing in the same fantasy football league, acquaintances Frank Bellamy (SFS ’16) and Javier Marquez (COL ’17) reportedly have no idea whether they should stop and talk to each other when they cross paths on campus.   […]

CAR BARN —  The Office of International Programs announced last Monday that its newest study abroad program will be in Henle Village.   “I’m really excited about this opportunity,” commented Daisy Redwood (COL ’17). “I looked at all of the other options for study abroad and none of them really appealed to me. Henle seems […]