VITAL VITTLES — Junior Matt Roth’s (SFS ’16) hopes to flirt with cashier Molly Hyde (COL, ’16) at Vital Vittles were rendered impossible with his purchase of approximately 12 rolls of toilet paper. At 1:30 pm on Monday, Roth approached the check-out counter with both arms wrapped around two six-packs of Charmin extra-durable toilet paper […]

M STREET — A Georgetown University student was observed this past weekend asking a homeless man if he accepted Venmo.   The student, Jeffrey Melvin (COL ’18), was near the intersection of Wisconsin Avenue and M Street at approximately 4 PM this past Saturday when a homeless man asked him for change.   “I didn’t […]

REISS 284 – Tensions within a section of MATH 035 reached an all-time high when perpetually underprepared Brad Jones (COL’ 18) asked classmate Sarah Witham (MSB ’18) if he could borrow a pencil for a record 50th time this semester.   “Are you kidding me? This is calculus. How do you come to class without […]

REISS – Pre-med sophomores around campus are rejoicing this afternoon after it was revealed that Organic Chemistry professor, Professor Gary Shaw, answered just 55% of the questions correctly on his own midterm exam.   “That test was a total bitch,” remarked Shaw. “I’m going to be honest, I haven’t taken one of those myself in at […]

WASHINGTON — The Redskins are planning to bench quarterback Colt McCoy next Sunday at New York in favor of their fourth string quarterback, no one, reports ESPN’s Adam Schefter. McCoy, who had a quarterback rating of 54.0 today, turned the ball over twice and took six sacks. No one, the Redskin’s first round draft pick in […]

VCW — After nearly a semester of dating, freshman couple Tim Quinn (MSB ’18) and Annabelle Crosby (NHS ’18), reportedly parted ways Sunday night, a decision many attribute to the couple’s first attempt to hook-up sober on Saturday evening.   The couple, whose twelve previous hook-ups had been exclusively on Saturday nights between the hours of 11:30 […]

VILLAGE C WEST — Following a spate of robberies in the West Georgetown area, DPS has released its new mobile app, LiveSafe, which promises to “bypass the middleman and connect users directly to MPD.”   Among the app’s many features are the highly touted “Call Actual 911” button and the “Help! I Need Real Police!” […]

LEAVEY– If any of you are looking for a great place to park $1.25 after an insane night of partying, look no further.   These vending machines artfully placed in Hoya Court of the Leavey Center provide instant alleviation from those drunken cravings that can only be satisfied by sugar, fat and anything “edible.”   […]

HEALY — Freshman Zachary Katz (COL ’18) announced his intention to convert to Catholicism Monday after proofreading his classmate’s Problem of God paper. Having come to Georgetown without a faith background, Katz describes the “profound theological insights” contained in fellow freshman Ricky Whitman’s (COL ’18) essay as nothing short of “a spiritual awakening.”   “I […]

LEO’S – Several confidential sources for the Heckler have reported that a “full-blown nut job” is currently attending Georgetown.   The student whose sanity is in question, Anthony Brady (SFS ’17), raised several red flags after he was seen pouring his milk in the bowl before his cereal this Friday morning.   Brady, who by […]