WHITE-GRAVENOR — In an attempt to “not let the New World Order destroy us like it has the rest of the country,” Georgetown University registrar Jessica Maloney has requested that all tuition bills be paid with anonymous and deregulated cryptocurrency Bitcoin.   In an email sent early Thursday morning, Maloney explained her decision to collect […]

COPLEY LAWN – At approximately 11 am this morning newly-trained tour guide Jon Diamond (COL ‘16), a caucasian, upper class resident hailing from Wyckoff, New Jersey was heard touting Georgetown’s diversity to a visiting group of upper class caucasian high schoolers and their parents from Ridgewood, New Jersey.   Diamond reportedly talked about the “crazy” […]

HEALY HALL – University officials released a statement this week admitting that fire drills are really just the school’s effort to get students to take a break from studying and “go outside for once in their goddamn lives.”   “We admire all the hard work that our students do, but Jesus Christ some of these […]

HENLE — According to University officials, a minotaur has taken up residence in the labyrinth outside Henle Village over this past weekend.   “I was raised in a labyrinth back home in Crete and just don’t feel at home living anywhere else” said the man-bull hybrid in an interview with The Heckler. “Then I stumbled […]

NEVILS — “It was ruining everything. I was becoming alienated from my freshman roommate, I hated checking my phone, and it just really shows how selfish Jessica is,” said Chelsea Frampton (MSB ‘17).   Reports having been brewing amongst confidential sources for the Georgetown Heckler for some time but last Thursday numerous credible sources confirmed […]

RETRACTION: It was the Hoya.   We would like to apologize to our readership for any confusion.

LAU 2—Citing the injustice of the On-Campus Requirement for the sophomore class, roommates Dino Liu (SFS 17) and Michael Han (COL 17) decided to adopt a child together.   Han, the individual behind this idea to exploit the loophole allowing students to live with dependents off campus stated to reporters “babies probably don’t eat much because […]

GELARDIN — A new version of Tinder, Wealther, released exclusively at Georgetown matches students based on family assets.   Instead of having a Facebook profile picture shown on screen, this new Wealther app has an asset profile listed on screen. The creators of the app believe this version will be “less invasive” and “promote more […]

NEW SOUTH — After a Saturday night that could only be described as “crazy wild” by New South 2 member Johnny Fernandez (COL ’18), his drunken hangover has transitioned to uneasy feelings about the red lace thong that has reportedly been lying in the hallway for approximately 75 hours.   “My friends and I had […]