Hide your kids, hide your wife, hide your Facebook: Burleith residents are now bringing their blood-sworn jihad against Georgetown students to the world’s most popular social networking site. The Facebook page, which seeks to anonymously insult students using “friend-submitted” messages posted on its wall, has just over 800 friends. It was created as a counter-account […]

The university has entered a state of mourning following pop sensation Bono’s recent visit to campus, during which a student allegedly saw the star without his trademark shades and was quickly dispatched. The lead singer of U2 was seen ducking out of a far corner of Healy where the asphyxiated student was later found. When […]

Citing a need to “establish supremacy, once and for all,” the Georgetown Chimes and Capitol G’s, two all-male a cappella groups, will co-host a no-holds-barred fist fight to determine which group has greater skill. The Capitol G’s, who challenged the Chimes to the fight, have been preparing extensively for the match, practicing fight shanties into […]

The online community is reeling following the death of two Americans and injury of five others in an unproductive Facebook discussion about Israel’s conflict with Hamas. The discussion is the third such incident of the past few weeks, officially summarized as the Israeli idiot-Palestinian idiot conflict. The attack, which saw an Israeli photo-bomb dropped on […]

Conflicting reports emerging from the fourth-floor New South apartment of Fr. Christopher Steck, S.J., indicate that Jack the Bulldog, mascot of Georgetown University, is unsure if and what sexual innuendo is behind his favorite command to “EAT THAT BOX.” Jack himself recently gave a public statement on this issue. “Woof woof, bark bark bark, woof […]

Following the increasingly desperate string of emails inviting students to “A Thanksgiving Dinner at Leo’s with Jack DeGioia,” the very lonely university president attended the celebration all by himself. Grabbing fistfuls of sloppy Joe mix and piling high the “turkey” halfheartedly prepared by Leo’s workers, DeGioia was disappointed and lonely but not entirely without hope. […]

Hi, welcome to More Uncommon Grounds. What would you like to order? Oh, you haven’t decided? By all means, take your time. What? No, it’s totally fine, it’s just that you were in line for like 10 minutes there. No, no, I totally get it. Take your time there. Wait, what? No, I don’t know […]

Cleaning up in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, the university is replacing piping, repairing various ceilings and looking for that one tiny girl who got completely blown away by the storm. The girl in question, Shirit Pankowski (NHS ’16), ventured out to Leo’s to get some provisional Grab ’n’ Go and was last seen flying […]

Thanks to the still-damaged facilities in and around campus, the lack of power in some parts of the tri-state area and the utter decimation of the Jersey Shore, the whole of the undergraduate body has been reminded that global warming is still a thing, apparently. Citing the fact that historically rare storms are now occurring […]

A thrilled Jeremy Michelson (SFS ’15) is reportedly the only student to have run to Congress following the successful re-election of Tennessee Fifth District Congressman Jim Cooper. “WE DID IT! COOPER IS COMING BACK!” Michelson screamed as he ran all the way to the Capitol Dome, joining a crowd of zero as he cheered the […]