WASHINGTON, DC – Democratic House leadership announced today that they were putting an immediate hold on any impeachment-related inquiries in order to focus on what they called “much more pressing issues.”   “Some things just take precedence over impeachment,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), “namely, the question that has haunted my dreams for the […]

NEW SOUTH—Jane Bakers (NHS ’23) moved into her New South dorm this fall ready to make new friends. But she wasn’t Jane Bakers. She was Natasha Birmingham (MSB ’23), and she was cool. James Hood (SFS ’21), The Heckler’s resident cool person, described her as, “the next big thing.” People love her name. They love […]

  YATES FIELD HOUSE – After a successful pre-dawn workout in which he utterly annihilated his bi’s, tri’s, and quad’s, Yates hunk Jerry Garcia (NHS ‘20, again, no relation) powerfully strode from the front doors of Yates to the steps, where he paused for a moment to take it all in.   As day broke […]

Freshman who were unable to impress only slightly older but much more attractive peers will line up like ugly ducklings to try to find some other uggos to hang out with. We have highlighted some groups who will be in attendance below:    PAC (Plain Ass Crusties) WGTB (Weally Gross Troll Boys)  GPB (Goblin People […]

To just say that The georgetown Heckler editor should’ve scoured this article for mistakes harder would be putting it lightly. Maybe the editor is feeling all edited out by now but this person really should be trying to uphold a standard here. its embarrassing.   Some of these sentences are far too long, clause after […]

Metropolitan police reported last night that a foul and sinister odor filled the air around Georgetown University around 8:06 PM. A witness alerted police to the stench that evening, citing fear and concern for the student population’s safety. The Heckler reached out to the witness for comment, who requested to remain anonymous. “I thought that […]

YATES FIELD HOUSE – Onlookers looked on in awe as they witnessed one of the finest displays of pure, manly prowess Georgetown has to offer, in the form of certifiable hunk-and-a-half Jerry Garcia (NHS ‘20, no relation). In a two-hour set, Garcia did it all – both repping and  maxing, with only minimal time dedicated […]

EPICUREAN AND COMPANY—.   Open 24 hours on weekends, and a party that doesn’t require club connections or friends, Epi is the Vill A Rooftop of dining. So when the other thing you just showed up to inevitably gets shut down, there is no better solution than to buy yourself some plans for the low low […]

Huh. Turns out, every time one of those space Nazis was forced onto their knees to say “Yes, Lord Vader,” they derived some sort of masochistic pleasure from it. Weird. I guess they could be really into the whole “all black” thing, too. Some people just really want an authority figure to put them in […]

Dear Mankind, It is with great pleasure that we the sea turtles are in a position to grant the thirsty yet environmentally conscious humans a much deserved break from their heroism. Avoiding straws is tough, both for you and for us. We appreciate all of the hard work and that is why we have decided […]