HEALY HALL — The president’s office issued a formal denial on Saturday in response to growing suspicion within the Georgetown community that a January 7th email from Chris Augostini banning hoverboards was motivated by a recently-posted Vine of University President John DeGioia “eating shit” after trying to step on to a hoverboard. “In the spirit […]

A new FDA study published Thursday warned that the average American should take steps to curb their average soda intake, unless that soda is the “always delicious, always fresh” Dr Pepper or any of its yummy variants.   The report measured over 90 pages long, although the government regulatory agency encourages everyone to read it in […]

HARNEY, OR — In a historically respectful tribute to the constitutional vision of the founding fathers, a group of failed military professionals were seen defending the second amendment in its purest form on Thursday when they packed their guns and whatever they could find in a military surplus store and set up camp in a federal […]

FAIRFAX, VA – Fireworks erupted at National Riffle Association (NRA) headquarters late Friday night as the second amendment rights group celebrated its 144th consecutive year without a single deer related death.   In a statement released earlier that same day, NRA President James W. Porter II praised the organization’s more than 5 million members for […]

PITTSBURGH, PA – In an inspiring display of self-control, Chuck Rogers chose to not get behind the wheel of a car to drive his children Caroline and Zach to soccer practice, deciding he was too drunk to drive. Chuck, fighting through a 0.23 BAC on a Tuesday afternoon, still had the good sense to set an […]

COPLEY LAWN – After making the decision to tell his friends about the “crazy dream” he had last night, Wes Brummer (COL ’17) recounted the story whilst elegantly editing out the part where he had filthy sex with everyone in his audience.   Brummer was reportedly nervous about his ability to maintain a cohesive narrative, […]

  NEWARK, NJ – In today’s press conference, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans to implement a long-awaited rule change to finally allow your drunk uncle Ted the option to challenge one call per game.   The new rule states that “Once per game, Theodore Austin, Jr. may make one challenge by screaming […]

MINSK, Belarus – After months of patiently waiting for Russia to make the first move, Belarusian President Alexander Lukashenko publicly announced that his country “would be a great boon to anyone who might try to appropriate its lands.”   Lukashenko, after considering of Russia’s political maneuvers in Ukraine last year, said he fully expected for Russia […]

36TH & N STREET – Frustrated by the failure of handing out lollipops to reduce unwanted noise at night, the Office of Neighborhood Life has resorted to more drastic measures – forcibly attaching ball gags to rowdy students’ faces.   “At some point we had to ask ourselves, ‘Who are we fooling?’” said Greg Wilkins, […]

Despite common belief that niche majors like Medieval Studies have no real world utility, a new study shows that niche majors are good for two sentences of small talk. “Whether they are JUPS or Anthropology, a niche major can count on their peers interest for as long as common courtesy lasts,” said researcher Daniel Strong, […]