BETHLEHEM – Over 2000 years after God sent him to save us, the second coming of Jesus Christ – Son of God – was killed Tuesday in a targeted U.S. drone strike 8km outside the City of Jerusalem.   “Our intel was that 3 or so monarchs from the East were traveling together and were to […]

VILLAGE B — At his debate-watch after-party on Thursday, overly firm handshaker and future face on a GUSA poster Chip Carlington (SFS ‘17) reportedly admitted he could definitely see a future for himself in politics due to his ability to communicate both professionalism and affability with only the grip of his hand.  “What’s he doing? Why is […]

ROCKFORD, IL — Before backing out of her driveway, local mom Lisa Shelton called the attention of her passengers of her Honda Pilot on Thursday to ask if all of them were buckled, according to witnesses present at the scene. “Is everyone buckled? We can’t go to the park unless everyone is buckled,” said Shelton, seemingly […]

In a recent speech delivered about gun control and the mass shootings that have terrorized America during his presidency, President Barack Obama was seen tearing up. But if Obama’s tears are genuine, and not just another one of his liberal ploys to gain political support for his totalitarian regime, then could someone please explain  to […]

PLANO, TX – Snapple Beverages announced Tuesday evening at a press conference a new marketing campaign, ‘Conspiracy Facts’ building off the successful Snapple Facts campaign. “Now, under every bottle cap there will be a fact so shocking and sneaky that it can’t possibly be true…. or is it?” said Snapple’s Press Secretary.   Previews released […]

HEALY HALL — The president’s office issued a formal denial on Saturday in response to growing suspicion within the Georgetown community that a January 7th email from Chris Augostini banning hoverboards was motivated by a recently-posted Vine of University President John DeGioia “eating shit” after trying to step on to a hoverboard. “In the spirit […]

A new FDA study published Thursday warned that the average American should take steps to curb their average soda intake, unless that soda is the “always delicious, always fresh” Dr Pepper or any of its yummy variants.   The report measured over 90 pages long, although the government regulatory agency encourages everyone to read it in […]

HARNEY, OR — In a historically respectful tribute to the constitutional vision of the founding fathers, a group of failed military professionals were seen defending the second amendment in its purest form on Thursday when they packed their guns and whatever they could find in a military surplus store and set up camp in a federal […]

FAIRFAX, VA – Fireworks erupted at National Riffle Association (NRA) headquarters late Friday night as the second amendment rights group celebrated its 144th consecutive year without a single deer related death.   In a statement released earlier that same day, NRA President James W. Porter II praised the organization’s more than 5 million members for […]

PITTSBURGH, PA – In an inspiring display of self-control, Chuck Rogers chose to not get behind the wheel of a car to drive his children Caroline and Zach to soccer practice, deciding he was too drunk to drive. Chuck, fighting through a 0.23 BAC on a Tuesday afternoon, still had the good sense to set an […]