As the presidential primaries move south, globally-minded Republican voters have signaled their admiration for Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) and former Florida governor Jeb Bush’s extraordinary ability to speak Mexican. “Well I figured the Rubio fella’ could speak Mexican on account of his Mexican name, but it sure is great that a guy with a name like Jeb can […]

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Citing off-the-charts ratings and a quickly growing fan base, Fox Headquarters announced Thursday that it would be renewing Republican Debates for a second season beginning in December of 2016.   Executive producer Robert MacDougal spoke to the press and tried to explain the show’s unparalleled success.   “I think the […]

Watching with overwhelming sympathy, onlookers inside Leo O’Donovan Hall reported Thursday that as all other listeners shifted to a different conversation, freshman Steve Jacobs (COL ’19) mistakenly made eye contact with a friend telling a story about accounting class, and was trapped listening to the incredibly dull narrative alone. “…and then my professor said ‘Why […]

PORTLAND, OR—After sitting at his desk in uncomfortable sexual arousal for the past 40 minutes, Trinity Academy 7th grader Scott Campbell said that he had to accept that the erection he got at the beginning of class was not going anywhere anytime soon.   According to Campbell, the situation was dire but stable.   “It was […]

BETHLEHEM – Over 2000 years after God sent him to save us, the second coming of Jesus Christ – Son of God – was killed Tuesday in a targeted U.S. drone strike 8km outside the City of Jerusalem.   “Our intel was that 3 or so monarchs from the East were traveling together and were to […]

VILLAGE B — At his debate-watch after-party on Thursday, overly firm handshaker and future face on a GUSA poster Chip Carlington (SFS ‘17) reportedly admitted he could definitely see a future for himself in politics due to his ability to communicate both professionalism and affability with only the grip of his hand.  “What’s he doing? Why is […]

ROCKFORD, IL — Before backing out of her driveway, local mom Lisa Shelton called the attention of her passengers of her Honda Pilot on Thursday to ask if all of them were buckled, according to witnesses present at the scene. “Is everyone buckled? We can’t go to the park unless everyone is buckled,” said Shelton, seemingly […]

In a recent speech delivered about gun control and the mass shootings that have terrorized America during his presidency, President Barack Obama was seen tearing up. But if Obama’s tears are genuine, and not just another one of his liberal ploys to gain political support for his totalitarian regime, then could someone please explain  to […]

PLANO, TX – Snapple Beverages announced Tuesday evening at a press conference a new marketing campaign, ‘Conspiracy Facts’ building off the successful Snapple Facts campaign. “Now, under every bottle cap there will be a fact so shocking and sneaky that it can’t possibly be true…. or is it?” said Snapple’s Press Secretary.   Previews released […]