WHITE GRAVENOR – After over a decade-long epic battle, an era has come to and end this Sunday as the Jan Karski statue reluctantly conceded its game of chess, which started in 2002, pitting the statue in a confrontation with the elements and drunken passersby.   The first unexpected turn in the match came in […]

  US Catholic Bishops have taken a not-so-subtle stance with Donald Trump after the Pope and the real estate mogul exchanged blows this week.

  NEW SOUTH—As election night nears its close, go-getting freshmen are frantically hitching onto the one ticket they find viable enough to kiss up to. “I know a lot of students are apathetic towards GUSA, but many freshmen like myself depend on nights like tonight to help put that 12th club credit on our résumé,” commented […]

SELLINGER LOUNGE – Upon hearing that two Georgetown alumni, comedians Nick Kroll and John Mulaney, are visiting campus, junior Zachary Hearthsworth (SFS ’17) noted that he is excited to learn who his favorite comedians should have been this whole time.   “I love what they’ve done, and how they have really incorporated our mutually-shared Georgetown […]

As the presidential primaries move south, globally-minded Republican voters have signaled their admiration for Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) and former Florida governor Jeb Bush’s extraordinary ability to speak Mexican. “Well I figured the Rubio fella’ could speak Mexican on account of his Mexican name, but it sure is great that a guy with a name like Jeb can […]

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Citing off-the-charts ratings and a quickly growing fan base, Fox Headquarters announced Thursday that it would be renewing Republican Debates for a second season beginning in December of 2016.   Executive producer Robert MacDougal spoke to the press and tried to explain the show’s unparalleled success.   “I think the […]

Watching with overwhelming sympathy, onlookers inside Leo O’Donovan Hall reported Thursday that as all other listeners shifted to a different conversation, freshman Steve Jacobs (COL ’19) mistakenly made eye contact with a friend telling a story about accounting class, and was trapped listening to the incredibly dull narrative alone. “…and then my professor said ‘Why […]

PORTLAND, OR—After sitting at his desk in uncomfortable sexual arousal for the past 40 minutes, Trinity Academy 7th grader Scott Campbell said that he had to accept that the erection he got at the beginning of class was not going anywhere anytime soon.   According to Campbell, the situation was dire but stable.   “It was […]