CHAMPAGNE STOCKED LIMO- Stating that he has no intention to change any aspect of his 2012 “Believe in America” platform, former Massachusetts Governor and presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced his intention this morning to run for president of the Georgetown University Student Association.  “I believe in Georgetown in 2015 just as much as […]

VERIZON CENTER — Having stored enough energy for the winter, Georgetown Center Joshua Smith announced Saturday that he would hibernate for the rest of winter. “This is an ongoing process that my teammates and coach have been supportive of. It is a natural process for me to store large amounts of energy and lower my […]

WHITE GRAVENOR – Bowing to a growing trend among elite universities, Georgetown University rescinded diplomatic recognition of the state of Wyoming on Monday in an effort to advertise student representation from all states.   According Charles Deacon, Dean of Undergraduate Admissions, the move came after a number of steps to recruit more candidates from the […]

WISEMILLER’S – After rumors began circulating that it was exploring another bid for GUSA presidency, the popular Wisemiller’s sandwich Chicken Madness announced today that it will not run in the 2015 election.   “After careful deliberation and much soul-searching, I have decided that I will not pursue the GUSA presidency again this year,” the former […]

AMERICA– After a month into 2015, a recent Gallup poll found that 98% of Americans are already looking forward to a “fresh start” in 2016.   Over two thirds of respondents were reportedly surprised that, despite the year not being 2014 any longer, the world is still a cold, violent, and unforgiving place.  Leroy Donovan, […]

ROSSLYN, VA – British consulting firm Deloitte has laid off 300 employees from its financial and federal consulting wings, replacing them with an assortment of enthusiastic “The Price is Right” audience members.  Since 1972, the crowd of potential game show contestants has consulted thousands of participants — most notably in high-profile cases of “Pass the […]

LEO’S – Referring to it as an “infatuation” he “simply cannot control,” Jackson Hiatt (COL ’16) claims that the sexual tension between himself and the Leo’s omelette maker has reached an “almost unbearable” level.   “I remember the first time I ordered an omelette. It was a Sunday morning in late September. The overcast skies […]

11:14 am Hello, Georgetown community.  As part of a series we’ll be doing at the Heckler about study drugs and their impact on student health, I’ve decided to take 20 mg of adderall on this Sunday and try to get my homework done.  I’ll update this page regularly so you can all keep up.  It […]

MIDNIGHT MUG- While walking to a class in Car Barn this past week, Mark Evans (COL ’18) was reportedly ambushed when a shady figure wearing a Corposaurus shirt and colorful snapback emerged from the shadows of the exorcist steps.  “All you need to do is wear this hat backwards, give me your mortal soul, and abandon […]

HILTON GARDEN INN CHAPEL- In an unprecedented move said to undermine “that bitch Linda” and her attempts at peacefully negotiating holy matrimony, an inebriated Speaker of the House John Boehner invited himself Saturday to speak at the wedding of his ex-girlfriend Linda Schwartz.  “Yeah, I gotta little ‘objection,’ Mr. Priest.  Linda, Linda is a liar […]