RED SQUARE – SUNRISE Witnessed from a White Gravenor bush with a pair of binoculars and a battle bucket, the following events are 100% true. Kenny Hasbro (CAS ‘30), horny beyond his years, approaching the H*yas for Choice table, reaches for a classic blue Trojan. In the corner of his eye, he catches the glint […]

Despite recent efforts to improve student social libido, many students still hold mixed opinions on new Georgetown President Eduardo Peñalver. 

“Not sure about him,” Richard Pecker (COC ‘28) ejaculated to the Heckler while sporting a semi. “I remember Groves last year—undressing the Copley Lawn? Royal Jacket on Saturdays? Cum. Cum. Cum everywhere.” […]

Hundreds of residents in Northwest D.C. hit the streets in protest of ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) actions. Amidst the kidnappings, murders, and violation of immigrants’ human rights, many white Americans decided to show their solidarity to their beloved immigrant communities. One Heckler reporter interviewed protestors on the scene. Joe P. (Age 22), wearing a […]

When you think of a Papal Audience, the last two words that probably come to mind are “Boy Aquarium.” But last week, Pope Leo, in his worsening English, stumbling through his statement, told us to expect the unexpected.  The Heckler’s initial reaction: “I guess a hockey rink would be pretty funny in the Vatican.” Due […]

My wife and kids are gone and all I have left is this shitty goodbye letter that was obviously produced by ChatGPT. When I woke up to find that my wife had taken my two children and fled into the night, I wasn’t just surprised; I was disappointed:“Here’s the heartfelt and concise letter you asked […]

Haven’t we all wished we sounded a little cooler, a little sultrier, and just plain hot as fuck? Whether you identify with the sex you were assigned at birth or not, you can admit that we all feel a little gender envy sometimes (or is that just me ahahaha). SO! FEAR NOT! We have 5 […]

This past Friday was no regular Friday for two Hecklers, Ranth Rue and Rufus Wheeler Peckham. But no one knew how abnormal it would become.  The two Hecklers, intending to rejoice in the lead-up to their 21st, had their plans wildly disrupted when a third Heckler, I.M. Randy, arrived at the function.  Randy barreled through […]

We’ve all been there: You’re walking with a friend of yours—one you might even say is your “best friend”—and when you two run into Professor Grimm, who asks how you know each other, you each simultaneously give two different answers. Two answers that differ in letter by only one word but differ in spirit by […]

Witnesses report seeing Dylan Partner, 22, at the Grassy Knoll at 12:31 this past Friday, November 22, 1963. Reports state he was seemingly calm, lounging with an umbrella under the Texan sun. However, this is where the clarity ends, as conflicting accounts attest he was either skipping and humming away from the scene after the […]