Jack the Bulldog was pulled over by the MPD this Saturday while driving his teeny-weeny, itsy-bitsy Toyota Tacoma (so cute!) at 10:34 PM. He was subsequently taken into custody after refusing to take a breathalyzer or field sobriety test — and he continued to refuse any test while in custody. The Heckler’s sources in the […]

BREAKING: The tamed piss bag from the Lau 2 urinal has been relocated to the Reiss 2 men’s bathroom after problems were found in the original enclosure. The emergency relocation comes after 3 years of successful habitation in Lau 2 and thousands of daily visitors. Recently, however, Hunky the piss bag was exhibiting more aggressive […]

You: An Ivy League* educated lawyer specializing in “alleged” financial obstruction (covering up financial obstruction, not preventing it. To be clear). Preferably one who graduated summa cum laude (trust me, we’ll need it). Us: The desperate administration of an unnamed “elite” University that has fallen on hard times. “Allegedly” of our own making. Offer: We […]

A Letter from the Editor: Dear Readers, My time at the Heckler has been wonderful so far, and I can’t wait to drive this ship into the ground with my winning combination of constant dedication but abysmal decision-making. I’ll admit, I was only barely accepted into the Heckler in a particularly sparse round of applications, […]

“Oh yeah, the snow is way worse up in Boston,” explains SFS Freshman Justin Harbor. “The average person’s ability to experience disappointment and not resort to violence is also, funnily enough, much worse up there too.” To Harbor and many others who hail from the climate-wise and also emotion-wise frigid region of New England, moving […]

The big-dicked, big stick carrier is back! Trustbuster and former president Teddy Roosevelt somehow returned from the dead and made his way to Georgetown, navigating entirely by a contempt for monopolies, as a century of decomposition destroyed his eyes. “The Corp is so much worse than Nestlé and Amazon,” he was heard saying before setting […]

OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT – As we relayed to you in our last email, the recent spike in cases of COVID-19, which has been particularly pronounced in the DC area, means that the availability of rooms in the Georgetown hotel is extremely limited, and many students may have to quarantine two to a room. Furthermore, […]

“I did NOT have textual relations with that INTERNational publication,” claimed former Editor-in-Chief Alfred Conlkling Coxe, Jr. as he was escorted from The Heckler’s secret headquarters on Friday, December 17. Coxe has been accused of treason by an anonymous whistleblower who hacked into his Google Calendar, where they found an event labeled “The Caraval: Interest […]

WASHINGTON DC — A group of new COVID variants has petitioned the National Panhellenic Conference to allow them to form a new sorority. With the recent arrival of the Omicron variant and Delta gaining traction over the last summer, the COVID variants are afraid of losing relevance and have decided to unite and form a […]

Welcome to the world’s most difficult game! It’s time to play “Is this a quote from Squid Game, or an econ major who believes in the free market?” “If you work hard and play the game right, you can succeed.” This is the econ major! In a free market, all it takes is pulling yourself […]