This article was transmitted through Morse code out of a Lau 4 study room. The Heckler has only sent out war correspondents twice in the past: once for Iraq in 2008 to throw those shoes at George Bush and once for the special forces raid on The Caravel’s cache of WMDs in 2019. I, Obadiah […]

Russian President Vladimir Putin shocked the world Wednesday when he suddenly and inexplicably recalled Russian troops from two separatist enclaves in Ukraine’s eastern frontier only days after deploying them. The move baffled policy makers and analysts, who expected an imminent, full-scale invasion of the country. Those who sought an explanation for the retreat were left […]

As confusion over certification and election rules have plagued the GUSA Presidential election these past few days, an unlikely voice of the people has risen — Juan Guaidó. This Monday, Former guy-who-asserted-he-was-president-of-Venezuela-without- a-clear-reason-but-was-supported-by-America-which-is-not-usually-a-good-sign-in- South-America, Juan Guaidó, declared in front of a crowd of ethnically German Latin Americans who suddenly appeared on campus and all have […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. Today, The Georgetown Heckler sits down with Philippa “Pippa” Rothbilt (COL ‘24) to discuss the common app essay that got her into 29 institutions of higher learning and 5 of lower learning. INTERVIEWER: Pippa, where’d the inspiration for your Common App come from? PIPPA: Well, I’ve always been someone who struggles with identity, […]

Straight from the desk of the newly-elected GUSA executives: Our administration is looking for someone to give the all-clear on our loads of incoming fan mail!  We all know that COVID-19 doesn’t affect people. Our pre-med freshmen have told us that anthrax similarly has no effect. There’s no hypothetical question about hypothetical safety. It’s just […]

Local rolling backpack boy— Benjamin Johnston, NHS ‘25— laughs in the face of your offer of a sensual back massage. “What a ridiculous offer! Both of my scapulae are in immaculate condition! Why are you putting your hand on my thigh?” He may not understand personal intimacy, but keep in mind: Ben has never once […]

Food insecurity is at an all-time high on Georgetown’s campus. Lack of allergy-friendly options, costly meal plans, and being scared out of the Cropchop line by an aggressive “what’s your base?” have all contributed to Hoyas lacking access to safe and healthy food options. So, with a rumbling stomach, I approached our new GUSA President […]

KYIV, Ukraine — After weeks of mounting tensions, NATO officials are describing a full-scale military strike as “imminent and inevitable” after the discovery of troops from the Clash Royale universe being transported to the Russia-Ukraine border. Ukrainian intelligence officials confirmed the update after many anonymous reports of the signature “HOGGG RIDAAAAA” call in the Crimean […]

So your Valentine’s Day plans went out the window. He’s emotionally unavailable, or worse, he’s “too worried about Ukraine to text back.” Whatever it is, we see you girl! Straight women have been dealing with this bull since the beginning of time. This Valentine’s Day, let’s take a look back at the ladies of Greco-Roman […]

Hey guys, not free food, but I have a whole collection of Game of Thrones Funko-pops that I’m letting go of – feel free to come over to Henle 53 to pick them up!  But while I’m at it, can I be straight with you guys? I feel like even though this is a free […]