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With 450 toilets and 7000 undergraduate students, Georgetown ranks 5th in the Big Ten for toilets per capita. This has to change. Georgetown students do not have enough places to relieve themselves on campus, although I have never once accidentally urinated in my trousers in my history discussion section.   I speak exclusively for those […]

Stay home. If you want a surefire way to steer clear of Philly, try not leaving your house. Stock up on spam, canned fruits, and oats. Engineer some daily routines. Fend off the monotony with the comfort of knowing that you are not in Philadelphia.*   When you’re driving in a car, make sure that […]

A recent study from Georgetown Residential Living revealed the disappointing statistic that only 20% of roommates who meet on CHARMS go on to room together for the rest of college, fall madly in love, and have gorgeous destination weddings.    “This is obviously not what we were going for when we established CHARMS.” said Bill […]

YATES FIELD HOUSE – Hey, man. How’s it going? School’s going well? Yeah? That’s great! I’m so glad to hear you’ve been doing well.   Hey, remember that time you and five to seven of your closest friends decided to both have fun and stay in shape by forming an intramural basketball team? Yeah? Wouldn’t […]

Georgetown men’s basketball suffered a tough loss to Penn State last week, further distancing them from a top 25 position in the NCAA. There is, though, a silver lining to be taken from the beginning of the season. Georgetown players have combined for more total shoe wipe-offs than any other collegiate program. The team averages […]

WASHINGTON – At 10:30am this past Tuesday morning, Ashley Hemsworth (COL ‘20) of Dubuque, Iowa gave an especially impassioned tour. She strutted backward without even the slightest stumble (despite her humble assurances to her prospective pupils that she is terrible at walking backwards and would certainly hit snags), she masterfully fielded questions from the especially […]

NEW SOUTH— Johnny and Kyle, residents of New South 208, took matters into their own hands after a mouse scurried across their floor during a game of beer pong. The next morning, Johnny and Kyle walked to Safeway to buy several mousetraps, which they then placed in each corner of the room. “It’s weird, looking […]

Dammit, I knew this was gonna happen. I take one tiiiiiiiiiiny lil peek into the brutality of the factory farming system, and all of a sudden I can’t help but wonder whether my neighbor Doug’s pet pig might not enjoy me butchering him and consuming his flesh. Maybe Friedrich had dreams of his own, maybe […]

    Bulldog Tavern This is the perfect place to cry while not being seen by a single member of the Georgetown community. This has the unintended benefit of showing every prospective student how poorly adjusted you are for college life.   The Maker Hub Don’t get me wrong, the Maker Hub is cool and […]