COPLEY LAWN – After making the decision to tell his friends about the “crazy dream” he had last night, Wes Brummer (COL ’17) recounted the story whilst elegantly editing out the part where he had filthy sex with everyone in his audience.   Brummer was reportedly nervous about his ability to maintain a cohesive narrative, […]

  NEWARK, NJ – In today’s press conference, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans to implement a long-awaited rule change to finally allow your drunk uncle Ted the option to challenge one call per game.   The new rule states that “Once per game, Theodore Austin, Jr. may make one challenge by screaming […]

MINSK, Belarus – After months of patiently waiting for Russia to make the first move, Belarusian President Alexander Lukashenko publicly announced that his country “would be a great boon to anyone who might try to appropriate its lands.”   Lukashenko, after considering of Russia’s political maneuvers in Ukraine last year, said he fully expected for Russia […]

36TH & N STREET – Frustrated by the failure of handing out lollipops to reduce unwanted noise at night, the Office of Neighborhood Life has resorted to more drastic measures – forcibly attaching ball gags to rowdy students’ faces.   “At some point we had to ask ourselves, ‘Who are we fooling?’” said Greg Wilkins, […]

Despite common belief that niche majors like Medieval Studies have no real world utility, a new study shows that niche majors are good for two sentences of small talk. “Whether they are JUPS or Anthropology, a niche major can count on their peers interest for as long as common courtesy lasts,” said researcher Daniel Strong, […]

  HENLE 57 –  The residents of Henle 57 are experiencing a roommate struggle at the hands of an unhygienic, inconsiderate slob who refuses to wash his dishes. Said an anonymous source that contributed heavily to this article, “Hey Steve, you’re probably sitting on the couch watching Netflix right now maybe even chilling in the sense that you […]

Having been through so much together, couple Kelly Marshall (COL ’17) and Jimmy O’Reilly (COL ’17) have reached the point where each of them could, if they decided to, unleash some serious, long lasting emotional damage on one another. “We have been through so much together that we both have the ability to deliver a crushing […]

Having been through so much together, couple Kelly Marshall (COL ’17) and Jimmy O’Reilly (COL ’17) have reached the point where each of them could, if they decided to, unleash some serious, long lasting emotional damage on one another. “We have been through so much together that we both have the ability to deliver a crushing […]

VILLAGE B—After seeing his friend grab a Trojan condom before leaving to meet his girlfriend, third wheel Kevin Lannigan (Col ’17) began to wonder if he too should bring a condom.  “My buddy told me tonight was going to be crazy. Not 100% sure what that means, but hey. Simons says bring a condom, I bring […]

HARBIN – At a packed ceremony in the basement of Harbin Hall, Planning and Facilities Management employees reveled in the glory of setting a new record for days since completing a student work order. Robin A. Morey, Vice President for Planning and Facilities Management, addressed throngs of workers, applauding their diligent efforts to ignore the […]