36TH & N STREET – Frustrated by the failure of handing out lollipops to reduce unwanted noise at night, the Office of Neighborhood Life has resorted to more drastic measures – forcibly attaching ball gags to rowdy students’ faces.   “At some point we had to ask ourselves, ‘Who are we fooling?’” said Greg Wilkins, […]

Despite common belief that niche majors like Medieval Studies have no real world utility, a new study shows that niche majors are good for two sentences of small talk. “Whether they are JUPS or Anthropology, a niche major can count on their peers interest for as long as common courtesy lasts,” said researcher Daniel Strong, […]

  HENLE 57 –  The residents of Henle 57 are experiencing a roommate struggle at the hands of an unhygienic, inconsiderate slob who refuses to wash his dishes. Said an anonymous source that contributed heavily to this article, “Hey Steve, you’re probably sitting on the couch watching Netflix right now maybe even chilling in the sense that you […]

Having been through so much together, couple Kelly Marshall (COL ’17) and Jimmy O’Reilly (COL ’17) have reached the point where each of them could, if they decided to, unleash some serious, long lasting emotional damage on one another. “We have been through so much together that we both have the ability to deliver a crushing […]

Having been through so much together, couple Kelly Marshall (COL ’17) and Jimmy O’Reilly (COL ’17) have reached the point where each of them could, if they decided to, unleash some serious, long lasting emotional damage on one another. “We have been through so much together that we both have the ability to deliver a crushing […]

VILLAGE B—After seeing his friend grab a Trojan condom before leaving to meet his girlfriend, third wheel Kevin Lannigan (Col ’17) began to wonder if he too should bring a condom.  “My buddy told me tonight was going to be crazy. Not 100% sure what that means, but hey. Simons says bring a condom, I bring […]

HARBIN – At a packed ceremony in the basement of Harbin Hall, Planning and Facilities Management employees reveled in the glory of setting a new record for days since completing a student work order. Robin A. Morey, Vice President for Planning and Facilities Management, addressed throngs of workers, applauding their diligent efforts to ignore the […]

After the Georgetown basketball’s decisive 79-72 victory over the Syracuse Orange, Hoya Blue member Steve Parlo (COL ’17) is ready to shed his earthly desires and achieve interminable peace. “That was a great game. I will no longer experience pain. I will no longer age. I have escaped my worldly condemnation to death. My flames of greed are extinguished and my soul […]

LEAVEY CENTER – Following several minutes of grueling, in-depth research, The Hoya’s Editorial Board concluded that their subject doing something, but they need to do more. “We’re happy with what’s happening, but this brain trust knows that it’s not enough,” said Editorial Board member Gabe Driscoll, adding that the subject at hand is too important […]

HEALY HALL — In response to growing neighborhood concerns about Student Neighborhood Assistance Program (SNAP) incident response times, the university announced on Thursday that it had purchased a Boeing AH-64E Apache helicopter for use by a highly trained team of SNAP administrators. “Georgetown remains committed to holding up its end of the 2010 Campus Plan agreement, […]