CAR BARN – Spooked by a thunderstorm the likes of which this city has never seen, a restless Toyota Camry knocked over a lit oil lamp Friday and sent Car Barn up in flames. “Fire was a doozy. North-western winds fanned dang blaze toward Halcyon House, flames so high could reach the pearly gates,” said […]

RALEIGH, NC — Upon returning home Wednesday for the first time in four months, freshman Jake Labour (COL ’19) was promptly reminded by relatives he had not seen in years that he was just a scrawny, weak little pussy the last time everyone saw him.  “It’s so nice to see him not sucking his thumb or shitting […]

BATON ROUGE, LA – In front of a crowd of amused reporters on Wednesday, the GOP continued its quadrennial tradition of pardoning one candidate for president from having to continue mounting a bid for the White House. “Don’t worry, there are more than enough of these guys still around for everyone to enjoy. You are hereby pardoned […]

“I get it, but do you have to say it like that?” asked Erica Laughton (SFS ’17), who was on her way to International Trade, and did not plan on seeing a 6-foot shame apparatus.  

TUCSON, AZ – Jared Callahan, a man who has never worked a day in his life and who does not speak a word of English, is being completely supported by a pair of hard-working Americans. Chad Callahan, a software engineer, and his wife Laura Callahan, a schoolteacher, are expected to provide and care for his […]

WILTON, CT – Following a visit from TJ Hardy’s Plumbing & Heating regarding a leaky kitchen faucet, area legal teen Riley Vixen was reportedly dismayed by her plumber’s desire to fix her literal pipes. “I leaned in real close and told him he could make this a quick in-and-out job with his electric eel, but he just told […]

Prospect Street – Local landlord Thomas Wilkinson noted that something seemed “pretty off” with his property at 3356 Prospect St. as multiple fire crews worked to extinguish a raging fire that had engulfed the townhouse.   “I can’t be 100% sure, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that the house was not on fire when […]

THE TOMBS – After an unexpected Tombs visit from former Head of State and Georgetown alumnus Bill Clinton (SFS ’68), multiple sources confirm that Clinton was indeed looking underneath the cushions of booth #3 for his old weed money. “Every time I would step away from the table, I could see him frantically feeling the […]

U.S. — After listening to SiriusXM Hits 1 in their Honda CR-Vs for hours every week on their way to and from work, every mom in the United States is now gleefully bobbing their heads and humming along to Maroon 5. “Sugar… Yes Please… duh dah duh dah nah nuh nah nuh nah,” said Mary Harnette, one of […]

DUPONT CIRCLE – Encouraged by the success of cat cafés like Crumbs and Whiskers, local entrepreneur Regina Sanders has put her own twist on the animal restaurant concept with the opening of her new smoothie bar, Howls and Blenders. Instead of filling the shop with playful and adorable kittens, Sanders opted for using deranged, feral […]