In a letter addressed with the Provost’s name before the Chief Public Health Officer (always a good sign when receiving health policy updates!), Provost Groves announced the following changes to university spitting-in-each-others-mouths policy: Based on recent low rates of spit-in-mouth-based illness on campus, the university has decided to adopt a “Spit-Optional Policy.” Students will now, […]

Welcome back to The Heckler’s Dear Prudence column, where we offer helpful advice to our readers’ dilemmas. Dear Prudence, HELP! I’m not sure how this happened, but I’m pretty sure I’m getting recruited into the new GUSA administration. See, the thing is, I don’t know Wolfe or anything, but I was in Leavey last Sunday […]

NEW YORK — A string of recent killings in New York City’s financial district are believed to be connected, said NYPD representative Wilson Garcia, this morning. The suspect is a wolf, believed to have been displaced from Upstate by increased urbanization and climate change. The first attack occurred last Monday, at approximately 10:47 AM in […]

Something important snapped in the mind of Logan Jeffords (COL ‘22) today when his walk through Healy Lawn in between classes was rudely interrupted by the sight of three freshmen happily throwing a frisbee between themselves in the warm sunlight of spring.  Jeffords stopped in his tracks, his eyes lowering into a Kubrick stare. “They […]

Don’t have much time. Phone broke, needed new one. Duo sent email — “We know what you did.” Received push notification, “Are you ready to die?” Knocking on my door, man yelling “Security checkup.” He had a katana, not sure sword necessary for security checkup, seemed suspicious, ran away. Been hiding in Walsh tunnels for […]

Dating is hard and emotionally draining. Sure, you and your partner can make each other happy, but a relationship requires effort on both sides––sometimes, you just don’t have the emotional energy for that because the intricate network of global trade around the world is disintegrating. Put yourself first king, and we at The Heckler are […]

Jo Smallhouse (MSB ‘15) emerged from a suspiciously timed six-week Instagram hiatus with eight new sponsors and backside. In a candid Instagram live video Smallhouse explained her absence and new look.  “It wasn’t my choice,” said Smallhouse, sporting a matching neon-green Gymshark set. “Nearly 12% of all people are born with a deviated cheek. I’m […]

Times are tough for pirates. Shipping vessels are more well-protected than ever, and newly unionized crewmates no longer offer the cheap, exploitable labor they used to. Such is the bind of the modern-day pirate captain. But in the modern world, careers are no longer as linear as they once were— and with pirate captains’ innate […]

Damini Ogulu (COL’24) was quick to recognize something was off when he received an out-of-the-blue phone call from an “Officer James from GUPD.” “What threw me off initially was the concern and empathy in his voice,” Ogulu told The Heckler. “And then when he told me that they’d detained the intruder who had passed through […]

Thaddeus Eldgeford (SFS ‘24) does everything possible to reduce his carbon footprint. In fact, he stopped showering in 7th grade to save the icebergs and keep his family’s Malibu summer house above sea level, so inspiring! Sure, he’s an heir to the Standard Oil fortune, but it’s not even that much money anymore. Plus, he […]