HEALY — Following the theft of the iconic but largely symbolic Healy tower clock hands, Amish Student Union President Jacob Hershberger (COL ’16) reported that the group has “completely” lost track of the time. “We were supposed to assemble at 3:30 to build a new barn on Kehoe field, but that plan has fallen apart […]

VERIZON CENTER — Taking note of just how many Hoyas were scrambling to secure tickets for tomorrow’s home game against the #11 Kansas Jayhawks, John Thompson III reported that he was feeling “elated” he had secured a seat a mere few feet from the action.  “Kansas is a great basketball program. As a fan of […]

RED SQUARE—Noting that there are many other, less-likely-to-carry-unwelcome-responsibility-to-full-term fish in the sea, sophomore Ben Storch (Col ’16) reportedly reminded himself Tuesday not to sleep with that cute girl tabling for Vita Saxa.  “She can believe what she wants, I’m a feminist after all, but taking that girl back to my dorm is seriously tempting fate,” […]

Why hello there.   It’s nice to see you chap/chap-ette. I’m sorry I haven’t taken the time to talk you directly since the beginning of the year; I’ve been very busy in my ivory tower looking at my ivory collection. Need more proof about my elitism? I just used a semi-colon in that last sentence. […]

NEW YORK — Time has not been kind to Georgetown Alumni Patrick Wood (MSB ’04) since failing Edward Forty-hands one April evening in 2003.   Ten years after graduation, the unfinished forty ounce malt liquor bottles remain duct taped to the former Hoya’s hands, destroying his chance of a normal life.   The Heckler met […]

  NEW SOUTH 4 — After much consideration, Freshman Kayleigh Mills (COL ‘18) decided to make the “healthy choice” to stay in with her friends and eat a tub of ice cream.   “I felt unhealthy going out so often” Mills commented in between mouthfuls of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. “Drinking just has all […]

KEHOE —  Completing what has been called a significant improvement to athletes’ safety, the university last week replaced the entire Kehoe artificial turf with a bed of used syringes.   The turf, which has been a source of complaints from club and intramural athletes in recent months, was pulled from the roof of Yates on […]

PINK HOUSE- Numerous members of the Simga Phi Epsilon fraternity, a body of many of the self-titled “broiest dudes on campus,” have struggled in the recent cold weeks to find ways to apply chapstick in a way that does not look effeminate. “My tanks, bicep curls, Patagonia fleece, they’re all wasted if I look like […]

DARNALL — Freshman Grace Fields (NHS ’18) issued a statement Monday morning to members of the press saying she “Couldn’t be happier at Georgetown. I love the amazing location, the interesting faculty, and the sexual energy I feel from the hundreds of email listservs I signed up for.”   As she opened her inbox to […]