HELL — After 5 years of kicking it back Bulldog style in Doggy Heaven, Jack the Bulldog’s (b.2003, d.2015) afterlife was changed forever. Father Sleck, S.J, who has dedicated the past 3 years of his career to examining and overturning cold dog files, came upon Jack’s case this past week.  “A brave student tipped me […]

GEORGETOWN – I’ve tried everything. I’ve emailed him, I’ve attended his virtual office hours even though I’m not in any of his classes. I’ve even pretended to need spiritual guidance. But I don’t care about my spirit. All I yearn for is to be in his presence, and yet Father Carnes, that beautiful, beautiful man, […]

Dear Georgetown Students, Recently you should have received a letter from President DeGioia on the University’s decision to notify the Georgetown community of the Spring 2021 semester plans to continue with virtual classes, no later than November 16, 2020. We understand the impact our Spring plans will have on other aspects of your academic planning, […]

Before the pandemic, Mrs. Winter’s 5th grade class shared custody of Cupcake, a 3 year old hamster, with each student getting a turn to bring a furry friend home for the weekend. Cupcake’s travel plans, like so many other’s, have been put on hold recently, due to the pandemic. While virtual school has resumed, health […]

PORTLAND—Jeanette Applebaum stands proudly in her open-concept, minimalist kitchen. Seven years ago, she underwent a controversial procedure to edit her son’s genome.  “Genetically editing the embryo of my beautiful baby boy was the best decision I’ve made in my life….And I’m paleo!” Applebaum flew to China to take advantage of the two weeks Dr. Jiankui […]

Needed: Personal Body Guard, at least 6’1”, lots of muscles [think Shemar Moore]. Must be on call 11 am to 9pm to escort me to and from my Vil A. Mask required at all times. Required to be able to combat Tae Kwon Doe or run with me on your back. Who am I: My […]

TAMPA, FL–It was a cold Friday morning on October 30, when Biden staffers gathered around a rose gold MacBook Air covered with cheap campaign stickers to see the first sets of numbers after a successful rally in Tampa Bay, FL. The numbers from FOX News and CNN were predictable; Quinnipiac and Susquehanna University had similarly […]

A recently uncovered photoset of president Norman Oldguy is raising questions about the presidential frontrunner’s ability to assume the position. Currently polling 78% across the country with 100% favorability in Pennsylvania AND Transylvania, Oldguy has practically been taking his victory lap around the country. Photos of future president Oldguy eating at a Taco Bell near […]

SESAME STREET – In a move unforeseen by the Sesame Street Fandom, Oscar the Grouch has officially quit the cast of Sesame Street to become a homeless rights advocate following an incident on set last week. This news came in a press conference last Friday when PBS spokesperson Erika Dinkle clarified the inciting event. Apparently, […]

1. Go to Old Mrs. McCreary’s House This is a good option because all the neighborhood kids know to avoid mean old Mrs. McCreary’s house. It’s the big old ramshackled thing on the hill with ivy advancing up its yellow sides, always dark save a candle in the front room. Jackson Hughes swears he heard […]