LEAVY CENTER – Citing an “overwhelming feeling of mental anguish,” top prosecutor Dermot Moore (COL ’15) has announced that he will take an indefinite leave of absence from the Georgetown University Mock Trial Team. According to Moore, his conscience is in perpetual conflict with the pretend legal system he has sworn to uphold. Midlands, the […]
WOLFINGTON HALL – The familiar sight of golf carts parked outside Georgetown’s Jesuit residence is nowhere in sight. Instead, these ubiquitous vehicles can now be seen shuttling across campus as part of the Office of Planning and Facilities Management’s latest program, GUber. Like the company after which it is named, GUber is an app-based […]
I STREET NW—Citing its success in helping young students across the District of Columbia, Georgetown DC Reads proudly announced it will now be offering tutoring in a new Foggy Bottom location. The new location is a direct response to the startlingly low levels of literacy that recent studies have discovered in students residing the area […]
KAZAKHSTAN – Sophomore Jeremy Wills (COL ’17) has transferred to a small encampment in the Kazakh Steppe in order to maintain his ‘one-upping’ habit, through one of Georgetown’s many study abroad programs. After trying to outdo everyone in the greater DC Metropolitan area, Wills reportedly will now try to show the native Kazakh people ‘how […]
ICC— In a shocking turn of events, ICC 101 has been completely taken over by a horde of Varanus komodoensis — also known as Komodo dragons. Just how these large predatory lizards invaded the classroom is still unknown, as the University’s crisis investigators have gotten a slow start on the case. “I found dozens of […]
NEW SOUTH- Austin Bell (MSB ’18) reportedly returned a condom to a H*yas For Choice door envelope this past weekend, boasting about his thrifty sensibility. “I pride myself on my lack of wastefulness. I mean, I even recycle my aglets when I no longer need a pair of shoes. So as soon as I […]
HEALY – Coinciding with the massive spike in the cost of higher education, along with the growing prospects of underemployment, thousands of American high school seniors have opted to explode upwards of $200,000 as a better use of their money. “Explosions are fucking sweet,” explained 18 year old Charlie Burns, a graduating high […]
ST. MARY’S HALL: A ground-breaking new report released this week by the Department of Mathematics reveals that exactly 50% of Georgetown students are ‘below average’ in their academic performance. The report has been received by many with uproar and shock. “Frankly, I’m astonished,” said student body president Trevor Tezel (SFS ’15). “We all […]
NEBRASKA- Following the revelations that the 268,738 residents of Lincoln, Nebraska were simply illusions, authorities have declared the supposed state capital to be entirely fictional. “It was a good game while it was on, but eventually you get rusty and make a few slips,” said man behind the hoax Albert The Amazing Magic Man, as […]
ICC—The Planning Committee for the 90th Annual Diplomatic Ball announced yesterday that because of budget cuts, the Diplomatic Ball will take place in a first-floor ICC bathroom. “We’re doing our best to save money by holding the event on campus this year,” said spokesperson Jenna Coleman (MSB ’15). “We feel that the easy access to […]