RED SQUARE — It was a solemn occasion this Tuesday as Red Square filled with mourners for what could have theoretically been a tree on campus. Hosted by Right to Life, the event began with a poignant speech acknowledging that because the acorn looked to be at least 6 weeks old and had the potential […]

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY—After shock flooding in Georgetown’s second-year dorm, Village C West, students were further terrified by what appeared to be the presence of a shark. “It definitely seems dangerous,” Kasey Rall (CAS ‘26) said when asked her opinion of the shark. “The shark almost bit my roommate’s leg off!” added Ronald Abbot (SFS ‘26). As […]

This afternoon, the Office of Planning and Facilities Management sent out an email announcing the demolition of Henle Village was to begin this June. However, the rat who lives in my Henle did not see this message, because he does not have a Georgetown Email. He still uses AOL. Currently my Henle’s rat has no […]

The Heckler sent at least one correspondent (there might have been more, but we do not dare speak to each other) to the 95th Diplomatic Ball, whose name suggests the presence of diplomats, but more importantly the presence of big balls in my face. We will deliver our verdict with haste: there were far too […]

I’ve traveled the seven seas. I’ve explored lands far and wide. I’ve fought battles and slain beasts- and yet never have I felt a pain like that which the Royal Jacket Meatball Sub™ has latterly bestowed upon me. As I sit, perched atop my porcelain throne, all I can do is pray to all that […]

The internship application season at Georgetown can be brutal, and this year was no exception. Marcie Corron (SFS ’24) spent last weekend in a mad rush as she scrambled to fill out an application to work for one of the senators of Missouri, a state she has never been to, cannot spell, and knows shockingly […]

A couple of weeks ago I shorted the radio of my mom’s 2013 Honda Odyssey in a bong water related incident, leaving me permanently tuned into 95.8 Fearless Faith. This would outrage any other single 22-year-old man still living at home, but not me. The Immaculate AM-FM Disruption set my life and Uber career on […]

As many students already know, over the past few months, Georgetown has been wracked with one crisis after another, including issues relating to hate crimes, lack of access to healthcare, and unsanitary food conditions. This has led to increasing pressure by students for the University to address its problematic social and political legacy. But the […]

The Year of the Rabbit will unfortunately not apply to the hilly banks of the Potomac where Georgetown University’s campus is located. According to scholars, because the moon’s light hits the campus at a 71.31° angle and the lateral velocity of the moon is a steady 6.7 km/s, the 104 acre campus is stuck in […]

Holy Trinity Elementary School, located just one block from Georgetown’s main campus, has filed an official request with the Cardinal O’Connor Conference, demanding that next year’s conference be hosted at a location at least as far or farther than the distance sex offenders are required to maintain from schools as per federal and district statutes. […]