WASHINGTON—Georgetown University Sophomore Natalie Graham (SFS ’18) gleefully opened herself up to a brand new way for just about any local psychopath to brutally murder her last Sunday when she decided to start regularly jogging along the Potomac River. “I just figured I’m more than year into college and I should really start taking care […]

THE HEAVENS – Calling it a rookie mistake, God, the Most High, King of the Heavens and the Earth, told reporters Monday that he was kicking himself for believing that humans could act deferentially towards other humans of different skin colors and ethnicities. “I mean there I was thinking that having a nice variety of […]

LONDON – JK Rowling, the author of the highly successful children’s book series Harry Potter, has revealed that, in the upcoming Harry Potter reboot, Molly Weasley will remain unwavering in her support for the “rightfully Jewish nation of Israel”. In recent years Rowling has gone on to clarify certain parts of her seven-book series that […]

CAPS OFFICE – Citing a desire to streamline their services for paying customers, the Counseling and Psychiatric Services announced the launch of a “Pay-to-Play” plan for priority students. An official statement on their website read they would be offering 24-hour, high quality service for those “who can put the money up right now”.   “At […]

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Citing a lack of respect from their female “BFFs” and the “rapid deterioration of men’s rights”, America’s self-described “Nice Guys” have officially started a boycott of women, unless, you know, they want to go out for dinner tonight. The surprising move reportedly came from the Nice Guys after a long, heated exchange over […]

In my line of work, I have seen all sorts of homes, but nothing grinds my gears as much as when I steal from someone who takes from the Earth without thinking to give back. Do you not know about the environmental catastrophe that we are creating for ourselves, or are you just blissfully apathetic […]

CLEVELAND – Citing his father’s poor credit record and series of late payments, Benjamin Fischer (MSB ‘17) foreclosed on his family’s home this Thursday morning, issuing a statement on the importance of maintaining a steady revenue stream. “Even though this is the home where I grew up and had my most formative experiences, my dad […]

Our next installment of Stories at Georgetown. The series will follow a diverse variety of Hoyas as they show you around the Hilltop and demonstrate why the Georgetown experience is unlike any other. Today, you’ll meet Tara Fisher (COL ’16), who missed her first three years due to medical leave.

Holladay, Ut – Many in the Republican establishment are concerned that Governor Mitt Romney, the party’s presidential nominee in 2012, is no longer responding to emails. This sudden lack of communication from the former governor of Massachusets comes as many in party leadership are dissatisfied with the current slate of presidential candidates.   “We tried sending […]

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a move that critics have been quick to call desperate, the newly relocated St. Louis Rams accepted a job waiting tables in Los Angeles’s most iconic neighborhood while waiting on their professional football career to take off. “We want to emphasize that we’ll only be working at The Hungry Cat until […]