AMERICA– After a month into 2015, a recent Gallup poll found that 98% of Americans are already looking forward to a “fresh start” in 2016.   Over two thirds of respondents were reportedly surprised that, despite the year not being 2014 any longer, the world is still a cold, violent, and unforgiving place.  Leroy Donovan, […]

ROSSLYN, VA – British consulting firm Deloitte has laid off 300 employees from its financial and federal consulting wings, replacing them with an assortment of enthusiastic “The Price is Right” audience members.  Since 1972, the crowd of potential game show contestants has consulted thousands of participants — most notably in high-profile cases of “Pass the […]

LEO’S – Referring to it as an “infatuation” he “simply cannot control,” Jackson Hiatt (COL ’16) claims that the sexual tension between himself and the Leo’s omelette maker has reached an “almost unbearable” level.   “I remember the first time I ordered an omelette. It was a Sunday morning in late September. The overcast skies […]

11:14 am Hello, Georgetown community.  As part of a series we’ll be doing at the Heckler about study drugs and their impact on student health, I’ve decided to take 20 mg of adderall on this Sunday and try to get my homework done.  I’ll update this page regularly so you can all keep up.  It […]

MIDNIGHT MUG- While walking to a class in Car Barn this past week, Mark Evans (COL ’18) was reportedly ambushed when a shady figure wearing a Corposaurus shirt and colorful snapback emerged from the shadows of the exorcist steps.  “All you need to do is wear this hat backwards, give me your mortal soul, and abandon […]

HILTON GARDEN INN CHAPEL- In an unprecedented move said to undermine “that bitch Linda” and her attempts at peacefully negotiating holy matrimony, an inebriated Speaker of the House John Boehner invited himself Saturday to speak at the wedding of his ex-girlfriend Linda Schwartz.  “Yeah, I gotta little ‘objection,’ Mr. Priest.  Linda, Linda is a liar […]

VCW – SafeRides, a free taxi service available to Georgetown students, has been cancelled for this weekend because of a recent spate of crimes around Georgetown, according to an email sent Tuesday night to students.   The email explained, “due to inclement conditions in the West Georgetown neighborhood–including a recent rise in muggings and assaults–SafeRides […]

MARY’S- Sophomore Martin Havelly (SFS ’17) has taken advantage of his computer science major to apply for a competitive internship with Robocop.   “I just learned how to program in C++, and learning to program quasi-sentient artificial intelligence to help reanimate the bodies of gravely wounded policemen just seemed like the next step.”   The […]

LANZHOU, CHINA – Junior Emma Kadinsky (SFS ‘16) flew 6830 miles by airplane last weekend from New York to China to teach local villagers the urgency of reducing energy use in the face of climate change. “Even though it took over 48 hours of traveling, I’m super happy to be here and to be able […]

WHITE HOUSE — Late Saturday afternoon Surgeon General Vivek Murthy released the results of a 7 year study in which he recommended that watching Georgetown basketball be classified as a “high risk behavior.”   “Whether struggling to maintain a lead in the closing minutes of a game or attempting a futile comeback, even a single […]