HARIRI – Last Tuesday, Professor Henry Poltz announced to his class of to-be management executives it was in the department’s best interest that the lower ranking students be let go.   “Due to recent cuts in funding and necessary raises in professor salaries, we have decided to lay off less qualified students. We feel this […]

LAGOS, NIGERIA — In what Amnesty International has described as the “deadliest massacre” in the history of Boko Haram, an estimated 2000 civilians were slaugh- wait, is it Sunday?  Yo, flip the TV to Channel 10, I think that Pats-Seahawks game on today.  You see Marshawn Lynch’s monster touchdown last week?  That dude’s a beast. […]

VILLAGE A – An insider to the Heckler has reported that environmentally friendly student Michael Barnard (MSB ’15) has been using the same exact tissue to clean up after masturbating for almost four straight years.   “I remember arriving in my freshman dorm three and a half years ago, ready to rub one out after […]

ICC 108 – After receiving the new syllabus for Introduction to Sexuality Studies, students reported they were surprised to find that various overtly sexual lab sections had been added to the course. After the hiring of Professor Miranda Hughes, the class has supposedly been restructured to be more “hands on.”   The course, a staple […]

The Georgetown Heckler’s 2015 Comprehensive Guide to Internships

LEAVEY — Citing fears that a large part of Georgetown’s athletic history may be lost on future classes, New Student Orientation will feature an informative 5-hour program to educate incoming freshman on Georgetown’s athletic rivalry with Syracuse.   The program, which will take place for the first time during NSO 2015, comes in anticipation of restarting a […]

OBSERVATORY— In what has been hailed as a huge accidental step forward for mankind, the Georgetown Astronomy Club landed an unmanned probe on Mars last night.   Club President John Lamda (SFS ’16) told the Heckler that they “totally hadn’t meant to,” but are “very proud of this scientific endeavor.”   “We had a couple […]

HEALY HALL – Addressing a group of alumni donors today, Georgetown University president Jack DeGioia touted the university’s embrace of diversity, but underlined that it “does not include Kevin.”   “When you make a gift to Georgetown, you are supporting an educational mission that embraces people from all walks of life,” DeGioia told the crowd. “Our […]

CAR BARN —  The wait is finally over.  In anticipation of the snow filled months ahead, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has proudly unveiled a new option for the ride sharing company’s Eskimo customers: Uber Dog Sled.   “For years, our northern customers have been asking for a winter option for travel to which they’re more […]

  RED SQUARE—In an effort to “promote like peace and understanding man,” Georgetown hippies have pressured the University to recognize Red Square as a “free love zone.”     “We just like need somewhere to hang out and come together” said Flower Moon (SFS ’17), one of the hippies, adding that Red Square “has the […]