HFSC – A scheduled “Meet and Great” in HFSC for GUSA  Executive candidates Sara Margolis and Ryan Shymansky came to an abrupt ending when a participant accidentally spilled coffee on Shymansky, causing his circuitry to malfunction. Shymansky, whose good looks and smooth demeanor have long been suspected of stemming from him being at least partially robotic, […]

SELLINGER LOUNGE – Violent clashes erupted throughout campus last night as ROTC cadets stormed Healy Hall and the Georgetown University Student Association offices in Sellinger in an apparent coup of the student government. Students studying in UG witnessed the ROTC cadets parading through Sellinger, brandishing blue plastic rifles and ordering students to drop their coffees and crouch […]

BURLEITH –  As the Healy bells tolled 6 am over a sleepy campus this Thursday morning, one member of the Georgetown community awoke with a start.   “Only four more days until debate,” whispered Rosenberger’s Navy Slim Fit blazer from Men’s Warehouse, its miniscule fibers quivering with nervous energy. “Only four more days until I […]

VILLAGE A – As campaign season kicks off around campus, GUSA political strategists are hard at work, crunching the numbers on which key demographic will turn the tide in favor of their candidate. Some campaigns are headed to Yates, in an attempt to corner the athlete vote, while others focus on yet-to-be-disillusioned freshman demographic. Will […]

  HENLE — As part of their mission to prepare its members for leadership through service, the co-ed fraternity Alpha Phi Omega will serve the Georgetown community by hosting lots of parties.   “I find it very fulfilling to be able to hand out dozens of handles of Burnetts,” remarked Joel Young (COL ’16), a […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR — In an attempt to create a more intimate campus climate “where everybody knows your name,” Georgetown’s Office of Undergraduate Admissions (GOUA) recently announced that the Class of 2019 will consist solely of the season four starring cast of Cheers.   According to GOUA records, six individuals were admitted to the Class of 2019, […]

Seth Rogen’s comedy about annihilating the homosexual scourge is an instant classic!     I tend not to be a fan of that Seth Rogen fellow, with his slacker attitude and his obsession with substance abuse. Yet I was very surprised to hear that he finally created a film with a positive message – namely, […]

GOOCHLAND — Citing a need to “reclaim their managerial reputation,” the Goochland United Soccer Association announced Tuesday that they will sue the Georgetown University Student Association for the rights to the highly coveted “GUSA” acronym.   Goochland, a small town outside of Richmond, Virginia, and the home of the Goochland United Soccer Association, has a […]

HENLE – A writer for the Georgetown Heckler was seen attempting to gain popularity by advertising his position as a writer at various parties and social events.   While in attendance at fraternity party last Friday night, bystanders report that this writer asked everyone what organizations they were in, and then fervently waited for them […]