News
How to Ask Your Therapist if You’re Winning at Therapy Without Her Asking You to Unpack the Sentiment Behind that Question
By Peleg Sprague | October 18, 2020
Everyone knows that the whole point of therapy is to convince your therapist that you’re completely fine. Right? But we at the Heckler know that it can be hard to gauge how convincing you’ve been. If you’ve been saying all the right things, but you just can’t tell if you’re winning at therapy, here are […]
“Alright Men, There Are Two Cliques, The Preps and the Goths” Says Marine Drill Instructor
By Alfred Conkling Coxe Jr. | October 16, 2020
“Alright, you maggots! My name is Sargent Weldman, but as long as you’re here at Parris Island I may as well be God for all you care. From now on you will only speak when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your shit-encrusted mouths will be sir. Do you understand?” “Sir, […]
“Both Verbs and Nouns!” Explains 2nd Grade Teacher Writing ‘Vomit, Piss, and Cum’ on the Board
By The Sisters Fitzroy | October 15, 2020
RIDGEMONT ELEMENTARY –Grammar lessons took an unexpected turn today in Mrs. Eduard’s second grade class. Students returned from recess prepared for one of their standard sessions about the parts of speech but instead got something much more exciting. They learned how some words are not confined to just one categorization. “This was really an eye […]
Tomb for Jack the Bulldog To Include Burial Chamber For 3 Student Walkers
By Shackleford Hedgecock, Esq. | October 13, 2020
GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY, D.C.-Last Thursday ambitious plans were revealed for Jack the Bulldog’s tomb, including an elegant adjoining burial chamber for Jack the Bulldog’s cherished student walkers. An enthused office of advancement rep. explained the rationale behind the ambitious project, “Look, we know death is a tough topic for a lot of Hoyas, but the reality […]
Office of the Provost: I’m Bob Groves, and I Hate the Troops
By Carolina Edgecumb | October 8, 2020
Dear Georgetown Community, I hope you are all faring well. I am reaching out today to open up a dialogue on a topic I have long struggled with but feel is necessary to insert into the university’s discourse— my hatred of the troops. Below is a five-point explanation (and one supplemental factor) for my hatred […]
In Memoriam: Toy Story 2’s Wheezy the Penguin Succumbs to COVID-19
By Carolina Edgecumb | October 7, 2020
Today, the Heckler must take a step back to honor one of the greats. We are, of course, referring to the tragic passing of Wheezy the Penguin this weekend. We all know about Wheezy’s unfortunate medical condition— discussed at length in the documentary Toy Story 2— but some claim this was still a preventable loss. […]
CAPS: We Are Here for You, As Long As You Fall Into Rigidly Defined Category
By Lucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar | October 5, 2020
You are not alone. The COVID-19 pandemic has had a significant impact on everyone in our Georgetown community. In recognition of these difficult times, we want to make sure all students know about our well-being resources accessible to Georgetown students who are able to squeeze their diverse mental health needs into one of our neatly-defined […]
“The Pie Itself Is A Risk”: Domino’s to Introduce New Contentless Delivery
By Bushrod Washington | October 1, 2020
In a public statement first reported by Financial Times, CNBC, and dozens of awestruck and concerned onlookers this Wednesday, Domino’s Pizza CEO Richard E. Allison, Jr. shocked tasteless, tight-fisted pizza lovers globally. Allison and other top executives delivered the following address from the front steps of the original Domino’s location in Ypsilanti, Michigan: “Thank you […]
