As I write this op-ed from the crammed bowels of Locker 594B, my head drenched in piss water from my most recent swirly and my underwear torn from yet another serving of Wedgies By Brad, Fairfax High School Football Hunk®, I find myself looking back on your recent pernicious article and asking, WTF George Washington […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR — Citing a need to “modernize” their class registration system, Georgetown Vice President of Student Affairs Todd Olson announced plans this morning to replace the University Registrar’s current Magic 8 Ball, known internally as, “The Decider,” with a newer model.   “It has become clear that the registrar’s current Magic 8 Ball simply cannot […]

BUCKINGHAM PALACE—Multiple sources have confirmed to the Heckler that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II spent this past weekend sending multiple drunk texts to Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi in order to get the two countries back together. The conversation began with Her Majesty texting “Hey we should hang out together again sometime :)” while at trade […]

VITAL VITTLES — Junior Matt Roth’s (SFS ’16) hopes to flirt with cashier Molly Hyde (COL, ’16) at Vital Vittles were rendered impossible with his purchase of approximately 12 rolls of toilet paper. At 1:30 pm on Monday, Roth approached the check-out counter with both arms wrapped around two six-packs of Charmin extra-durable toilet paper […]

M STREET — A Georgetown University student was observed this past weekend asking a homeless man if he accepted Venmo.   The student, Jeffrey Melvin (COL ’18), was near the intersection of Wisconsin Avenue and M Street at approximately 4 PM this past Saturday when a homeless man asked him for change.   “I didn’t […]

REISS 284 – Tensions within a section of MATH 035 reached an all-time high when perpetually underprepared Brad Jones (COL’ 18) asked classmate Sarah Witham (MSB ’18) if he could borrow a pencil for a record 50th time this semester.   “Are you kidding me? This is calculus. How do you come to class without […]

REISS – Pre-med sophomores around campus are rejoicing this afternoon after it was revealed that Organic Chemistry professor, Professor Gary Shaw, answered just 55% of the questions correctly on his own midterm exam.   “That test was a total bitch,” remarked Shaw. “I’m going to be honest, I haven’t taken one of those myself in at […]

WASHINGTON — The Redskins are planning to bench quarterback Colt McCoy next Sunday at New York in favor of their fourth string quarterback, no one, reports ESPN’s Adam Schefter. McCoy, who had a quarterback rating of 54.0 today, turned the ball over twice and took six sacks. No one, the Redskin’s first round draft pick in […]

VCW — After nearly a semester of dating, freshman couple Tim Quinn (MSB ’18) and Annabelle Crosby (NHS ’18), reportedly parted ways Sunday night, a decision many attribute to the couple’s first attempt to hook-up sober on Saturday evening.   The couple, whose twelve previous hook-ups had been exclusively on Saturday nights between the hours of 11:30 […]

VILLAGE C WEST — Following a spate of robberies in the West Georgetown area, DPS has released its new mobile app, LiveSafe, which promises to “bypass the middleman and connect users directly to MPD.”   Among the app’s many features are the highly touted “Call Actual 911” button and the “Help! I Need Real Police!” […]