YATES — Newly hired Men’s Cross-Country Coach Greg Winters expressed disappointment about the team’s performance to reporters after a NCAA tournament Tuesday morning. “Well I thought we’d at least be at the Mississippi at this point in the season, but it seems as if we just keep going in circles. I’d hate to not reach […]
MCCARTHY HALL – Sophomore Ellen Koffman (SFS ’17) announced this week that she has never been more thankful for Martin Luther King Jr.’s contributions to the advancement of long weekends. In a statement released last Thursday, Koffman stated, “Recent current events have really made me realize how important King’s work toward promoting our basic […]
HARIRI – Last Tuesday, Professor Henry Poltz announced to his class of to-be management executives it was in the department’s best interest that the lower ranking students be let go. “Due to recent cuts in funding and necessary raises in professor salaries, we have decided to lay off less qualified students. We feel this […]
LAGOS, NIGERIA — In what Amnesty International has described as the “deadliest massacre” in the history of Boko Haram, an estimated 2000 civilians were slaugh- wait, is it Sunday? Yo, flip the TV to Channel 10, I think that Pats-Seahawks game on today. You see Marshawn Lynch’s monster touchdown last week? That dude’s a beast. […]
VILLAGE A – An insider to the Heckler has reported that environmentally friendly student Michael Barnard (MSB ’15) has been using the same exact tissue to clean up after masturbating for almost four straight years. “I remember arriving in my freshman dorm three and a half years ago, ready to rub one out after […]
ICC 108 – After receiving the new syllabus for Introduction to Sexuality Studies, students reported they were surprised to find that various overtly sexual lab sections had been added to the course. After the hiring of Professor Miranda Hughes, the class has supposedly been restructured to be more “hands on.” The course, a staple […]
LEAVEY — Citing fears that a large part of Georgetown’s athletic history may be lost on future classes, New Student Orientation will feature an informative 5-hour program to educate incoming freshman on Georgetown’s athletic rivalry with Syracuse. The program, which will take place for the first time during NSO 2015, comes in anticipation of restarting a […]
OBSERVATORY— In what has been hailed as a huge accidental step forward for mankind, the Georgetown Astronomy Club landed an unmanned probe on Mars last night. Club President John Lamda (SFS ’16) told the Heckler that they “totally hadn’t meant to,” but are “very proud of this scientific endeavor.” “We had a couple […]