Damini Ogulu (COL’24) was quick to recognize something was off when he received an out-of-the-blue phone call from an “Officer James from GUPD.” “What threw me off initially was the concern and empathy in his voice,” Ogulu told The Heckler. “And then when he told me that they’d detained the intruder who had passed through […]

Thaddeus Eldgeford (SFS ‘24) does everything possible to reduce his carbon footprint. In fact, he stopped showering in 7th grade to save the icebergs and keep his family’s Malibu summer house above sea level, so inspiring! Sure, he’s an heir to the Standard Oil fortune, but it’s not even that much money anymore. Plus, he […]

Have you had a wild night of partying and now you need to vomit? No worries! We here at The Heckler live to serve and we don’t judge! Try these seven combos to get things ~flowing~ (Thank you to our generous sponsor Corp 50 for the funding for this article) Coke and yogurt – this […]

Dear Blessed Student, There is a lot going on in the world. More specifically, Russia has declared war on Ukraine, and everyone seems to be scared shitless. When people are scared shitless about something, history would suggest that protests are on their way. We are writing to request that you avoid all anti-war protest events. […]

Unprincipled Georgetown music lovers, rejoice!  In protest of Joe Rogan’s COVID-19 misinformation and racism, luminaries like Neil Young and Joni Mitchell have recently removed their discographies from Spotify. But not to worry, the Georgetown Chimes say. They plan to release more original music on the streaming platform in solidarity with Rogan. “Rogan provides a real […]

This article was transmitted through Morse code out of a Lau 4 study room. The Heckler has only sent out war correspondents twice in the past: once for Iraq in 2008 to throw those shoes at George Bush and once for the special forces raid on The Caravel’s cache of WMDs in 2019. I, Obadiah […]

Russian President Vladimir Putin shocked the world Wednesday when he suddenly and inexplicably recalled Russian troops from two separatist enclaves in Ukraine’s eastern frontier only days after deploying them. The move baffled policy makers and analysts, who expected an imminent, full-scale invasion of the country. Those who sought an explanation for the retreat were left […]

As confusion over certification and election rules have plagued the GUSA Presidential election these past few days, an unlikely voice of the people has risen — Juan Guaidó. This Monday, Former guy-who-asserted-he-was-president-of-Venezuela-without- a-clear-reason-but-was-supported-by-America-which-is-not-usually-a-good-sign-in- South-America, Juan Guaidó, declared in front of a crowd of ethnically German Latin Americans who suddenly appeared on campus and all have […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. Today, The Georgetown Heckler sits down with Philippa “Pippa” Rothbilt (COL ‘24) to discuss the common app essay that got her into 29 institutions of higher learning and 5 of lower learning. INTERVIEWER: Pippa, where’d the inspiration for your Common App come from? PIPPA: Well, I’ve always been someone who struggles with identity, […]

Straight from the desk of the newly-elected GUSA executives: Our administration is looking for someone to give the all-clear on our loads of incoming fan mail!  We all know that COVID-19 doesn’t affect people. Our pre-med freshmen have told us that anthrax similarly has no effect. There’s no hypothetical question about hypothetical safety. It’s just […]