1. Bribe Bob Menendez 100 times 2. 10 million GUGS Burgers 3. Give every student 7500 dollars in financial aid 4. 1 year of Patrick Mahomes 5. Making Paul Blart: Mall Cop 6. Starting 100 Subway franchises 7. Funding Doug Burgum’s primary campaign 8. Renting 2 Pandas from the Chinese government for 20 years 9. […]

1. Bill Gates Lizard COnglomeration Make (B+G+L+C+M=37) me get Moderna owie. Now I’m itchy itchy itchy. Uh OH booster time! Time for allergy! 2. Aaron RODGERS is allergic – why not me as well???? (A secret symb/sign/*word sys unites secret group) 3. BGLC make BENADRYL?? for free under seat Oprah! 4. Astrolabe demands t14 souls […]

Healy Lawn was awash with confusion Wednesday morning after President John DeGioia climbed atop John Carroll with a shoddily-fashioned paraglider mounted on his back, screamed, “Later, bitch nerds!” and leaped from the lap of the statue, quickly hitting the ground due to a complete lack of buoyancy and spraining a clavicle. In an interview with […]

Interviewer: Kurt, you’ve done an excellent job thus far in the interview. So far, no candidates have been able to solve this math problem. In order to become the most consulting consultant, you must prove your advanced math skills. Kurt: I’m ready! I’m ready! Ooh golly, I’m ready! Interviewer: Okay here it goes: “Jill has […]

Hark! Hark! Hear my tale of sights heretofore unseen. It was only this very morning while strolling along the bricklaid esplanàde when, would you know, upon looking up from the Facebook, I caught sight of small furry friend of man. The twinkle in its eye lit a similar glint in my own, and on I […]

On December 12, 2023, The Office of Environmental Health and Safety (or, as I like to call them, The Office of Soulless Stinky Little Party Poopers) tore me away from my one true love – my partner through thick and thin: my GoTrax G5 scooter.  In the blink of an eye, I had to say […]

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, meaning that it’s cuffing season for real. Here at The Heckler we recognize that getting dicked down can be tough, especially if you ghostwrite for a campus satire publication. As such, here’s our top 10 ways to proposition fellow Georgetown students in ways that only a fellow Hoya […]

As the timeline between a pop culture issue and our collective interpretation of said issue hits bedrock, collapsing in upon itself with all of the speed and force of the Titan submersible’s puny carbon hull, one must ask oneself: how long will it take before my brain becomes mush? Perhaps it is the sips of […]

The ins and outs of male anatomy have long perplexed the scientific community. Since the dawn of time, humanity has wondered why some of us are endowed with great meaty hogs, while others are doomed to bear acorn-sized peckers till the end of their days. While we have come no closer to answers to these […]

Marissa and I were on the rocks. She was always mad at me for one thing or another: first it was that I “never spent any time with her,” then that I was “way too into electric scooters.” I couldn’t do anything right. And last week, she was all, “You’re trying to cheat on me […]