Why hello there.   It’s nice to see you chap/chap-ette. I’m sorry I haven’t taken the time to talk you directly since the beginning of the year; I’ve been very busy in my ivory tower looking at my ivory collection. Need more proof about my elitism? I just used a semi-colon in that last sentence. […]

NEW YORK — Time has not been kind to Georgetown Alumni Patrick Wood (MSB ’04) since failing Edward Forty-hands one April evening in 2003.   Ten years after graduation, the unfinished forty ounce malt liquor bottles remain duct taped to the former Hoya’s hands, destroying his chance of a normal life.   The Heckler met […]

  NEW SOUTH 4 — After much consideration, Freshman Kayleigh Mills (COL ‘18) decided to make the “healthy choice” to stay in with her friends and eat a tub of ice cream.   “I felt unhealthy going out so often” Mills commented in between mouthfuls of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. “Drinking just has all […]

KEHOE —  Completing what has been called a significant improvement to athletes’ safety, the university last week replaced the entire Kehoe artificial turf with a bed of used syringes.   The turf, which has been a source of complaints from club and intramural athletes in recent months, was pulled from the roof of Yates on […]

PINK HOUSE- Numerous members of the Simga Phi Epsilon fraternity, a body of many of the self-titled “broiest dudes on campus,” have struggled in the recent cold weeks to find ways to apply chapstick in a way that does not look effeminate. “My tanks, bicep curls, Patagonia fleece, they’re all wasted if I look like […]

DARNALL — Freshman Grace Fields (NHS ’18) issued a statement Monday morning to members of the press saying she “Couldn’t be happier at Georgetown. I love the amazing location, the interesting faculty, and the sexual energy I feel from the hundreds of email listservs I signed up for.”   As she opened her inbox to […]

As I write this op-ed from the crammed bowels of Locker 594B, my head drenched in piss water from my most recent swirly and my underwear torn from yet another serving of Wedgies By Brad, Fairfax High School Football Hunk®, I find myself looking back on your recent pernicious article and asking, WTF George Washington […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR — Citing a need to “modernize” their class registration system, Georgetown Vice President of Student Affairs Todd Olson announced plans this morning to replace the University Registrar’s current Magic 8 Ball, known internally as, “The Decider,” with a newer model.   “It has become clear that the registrar’s current Magic 8 Ball simply cannot […]

BUCKINGHAM PALACE—Multiple sources have confirmed to the Heckler that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II spent this past weekend sending multiple drunk texts to Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi in order to get the two countries back together. The conversation began with Her Majesty texting “Hey we should hang out together again sometime :)” while at trade […]