Jon Lurman (MSB ‘22) was spotted looking up from his GoogleCal for the first time in over a week when a friend inquired as to his persisting virginity. “It’s not that I’m not a sexual being,” Lurman retorted whilst editing the cover page on his resume, “it’s that I’m too busy to be one right […]

GEORGETOWN UIS — “Oh Duo? You mean the hardest working little guy in IT?” chuckles Judd Nicholson, CIO. Nicholson agreed to talk to me about the unprecedented levels of hatred for the dual authentication system among students and faculty, but Duo was simply too busy keeping our information and accounts secure to join the conversation. […]

It’s an age-old question, a question that no one has yet found a suitable answer for: What do consulting firms even do? If you have ever pondered this, you are not alone, as this seems to be a common point of confusion. To help Georgetown students get a better understanding of what the consulting firms […]

America’s most notorious have a taste for undergraduate blood.  Studies show that the odds of surviving a kidnapping decrease by 90% once a victim is taken to a second location, and these odds get even worse when a TA is waiting there. Everyone’s heard the words, “come to office hours.” They’re an omen, a careful […]

The following is the result of an experiment in which we, The Heckler, gave a typewriter to a cat. We hope you will be as moved by the results as we were. An excerpt from “The Myth of Sprinkles” by Albert Catmus: Chasing, catching, attempting to hold the light of a laser pointer is exhausting, […]

What gives? I walk into Vital Vittles for exactly what it’s for – vital vittles – and you say to me that you DON’T have the newest 3-speed super suction Fleshlight®, and that you want me to leave the grounds immediately, and that it’s the fifteenth night in a row I’ve accosted the cashier and […]

As I am sure you, our dedicated readers, already know: we here at The Heckler are absolutely committed to investigative journalism. For that reason, I feel compelled to share with you all that after months of intense research, The Heckler can exclusively – and definitively – report that the “Dr. Ranit Mishori” that you’ve been […]

HEALY HALL – At approximately 8:43 PM tonight, Provost Robert Groves was on his way to a Henle pregame with the squad, slightly tipsy off a single shot of Smirnoff Citron he took with Dr. Ranit Mishori and Dr. Randy Bass in the VCE lobby. Excited to know where this night would take him and […]

Professor-Pondeaux-Poirot began the first-day-of-class with a mis-leading lecture about the importance of feeding your brain, saying snacks are always-welcome in Psychology-101. I took this with guidance with open-arms and an un-matched eager-ness as I am a often-hungry-individual. Flash-forward to mid-terms and I missed lunch-time because I got dis-tracted working-out at Yates, and I did-not have […]

In an unsatisfactory anti-climax of the semester, the Georgetown University Never Orgasmed Club (GUNOC) is having trouble reaching completion of any membership whatsoever. “We’re so close,” said president Hunter Toggin, “but we just can’t seem to get there.” Sophomore Harry Jingle said that he was very close to showing up to a meeting. “I almost […]