WASHINGTON – We have finally done it! Since setting plans in motion to become The Georgetown Harvard Lampoon in 2009, we have been engaged in a lengthy legal dispute. A new document that has surfaced in this case has blown it wide open and the name “The Harvard Lampoon” is ours! At least that’s what […]

Last night at the famed Institute of Peace, Diplomats, Model UN kids, and the baseball team gathered for what we at Georgetown call Dip Ball. Freshman nicotine fiend Bucky Smith bought his team tickets after taking a fat rip of his juul, thinking that Dip Ball was a celebration of chewing tobacco, if not a […]

GEORGETOWN– The MSB’s annual Rocket Pitch competition, presented by Startup Hoyas, is currently entering its third day. This competition is designed to allow promising MSB students to mash the words “Uber” or “Netflix” or “Chipotle” with currently existing industries in exchange for cartoonishly large checks. Last year’s winner was Ta2Go, described by its founders as […]

Presidential hopeful, Beto O’Rourke made a splash in Iowa where he has begun his energized campaign. Garnering a great deal of support after nearly unseating the entrenched and always-clothed Ted Cruz in a highly contested Texas Senate race, Beto kept up the momentum in an exciting Iowa showing. O’Rourke spouted off his unifying rhetoric all […]

GEORGETOWN- What a beautiful time to be Hoya! This past Sunday, it was revealed that the Georgetown Men’s Basketball Team would continue to play into the postseason, receiving an invitation to play in the NIT as a #3 seed. Making the reveal even sweeter was that Georgetown’s bitter Big East rival, Villanova, failed to qualify […]

Speaking out for the first time, representatives of Georgetown Admissions relayed their shock that applicants have been subverting the carefully upheld process of institutionalized bribery for alternative methods. “Like the rest of you, we were absolutely devastated by this news. As the gatekeepers to the university, we take admissions processes seriously and believed we had […]

TUNNELS– John Doe (MSB ’21) was extremely proud to be elected as the Marketing Representative of his secret society, which obviously will remain nameless, because it’s a secret. Doe was proud of his society which promoted wealth and homogeny.   However, things are starting to turn sour for Doe as he’s starting to wonder what […]

GEORGETOWN- Since the news broke regarding Georgetown University’s involvement in the College Admissions Scandal, campus is abuzz talking about those who faked a place on the tennis team in order to ensure a spot in the school. The rise in attention devoted to the faux tennis players has ruffled the feathers of the formerly most […]

During one of Jack the Bulldog’s routine morning walks, he waddled into a fellow bulldog who gave him a sense of foreboding gloom. While exchanging the customary posterior sniffs, Jack realized what was so off-putting. He was smelling the anus of more youthful version of himself. Jack used to feel he was in his prime, […]