Joy Upon Joys! For a semester and a half, I have lain in wait! I have assembled my navy and consolidated my plan of attack! At long last, on April Third in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Twenty-Two, all my hopes and all my efforts have come to fruition in the Intramural Battleship […]

Georgetown loves its students of all abilities! That’s why they have announced the opening of a new Disability Center, to be located on the roof of VCW. You know that slick, slanted, blue metal roof? Yeah, that one. The only way up is by ladder, but don’t worry! Mask and Bauble has generously donated their […]

If you recently answered an Instagram poll of ours, congratulations and thank you! If you haven’t, you’re a piece of shit! The Heckler signed a contract with the National Security Agency at an undisclosed time in the past which guarantees compensation ($0.04/answer) to The Heckler in exchange for data on its readership. For a safer […]

Joint efforts by the Georgetown University Departments of Slavic Languages, Classics, and Small Program Languages have made article translation possible. An English version can be found below. Darnall residents and other north-campus denizens like Amelia Santos (COL ‘25) have been able to watch the progress made on the new Medstar medical pavilion that’s been under […]

The United Nations Security Council sessions have been a bit intense lately. In fact, to be more precise, they’re a “complete shit show holy shit how can we even bother with these formalities with what’s going on right now,” as one anonymous UN staffer told The Heckler after a few post-work drinks. With the Russian […]

He Lives! The King lives and I saw him at GAAP weekend. Some jackass in a rhinestoned white suit showed up at my table, where I was giving out fun gray shirts that say HOYAS 2026 on the back. They’re only for admitted students, but I was so stunned to see Elvis Presley here at […]

The Caravel, nobody reads it, it’s a shame someone has to write it The 4 Expendable Movies, if I wanted to see a bunch of men try to be as masculine and not gay for each other at the same time I’d watch John DiGoia introduce Bob Groves at convocation Fish Friday at Leo’s, see: […]

In a letter addressed with the Provost’s name before the Chief Public Health Officer (always a good sign when receiving health policy updates!), Provost Groves announced the following changes to university spitting-in-each-others-mouths policy: Based on recent low rates of spit-in-mouth-based illness on campus, the university has decided to adopt a “Spit-Optional Policy.” Students will now, […]

Welcome back to The Heckler’s Dear Prudence column, where we offer helpful advice to our readers’ dilemmas. Dear Prudence, HELP! I’m not sure how this happened, but I’m pretty sure I’m getting recruited into the new GUSA administration. See, the thing is, I don’t know Wolfe or anything, but I was in Leavey last Sunday […]

NEW YORK — A string of recent killings in New York City’s financial district are believed to be connected, said NYPD representative Wilson Garcia, this morning. The suspect is a wolf, believed to have been displaced from Upstate by increased urbanization and climate change. The first attack occurred last Monday, at approximately 10:47 AM in […]