There is a knock on the door— a chilled-out, playful rat-a-tat. When I open it, I can’t believe my eyes. Georgetown University President John DeGioia is standing at the door, suitcase in hand — and is that a neon St. Pauli girl sign? “Excited to join you in the bro-tel, man!” he exclaims, plugging in […]

On Wednesday, April 6th, 2022, Dr. Ranit Mishori decided she could take it no longer. Looking out of her penthouse on the top floor of MedStar Georgetown University Hospital, Mishori peered out over the teeming masses of students and cried, “Look at their horrible teeth! Rooting bones in rotting flesh!” Mishori threw her stethoscope to […]

GEORGETOWN, MARCH 2022 – Hooray! At long last, it seems like COVID is finally coming to an end. We’ve all been vaccinated, and now indoor mask mandates are being lifted across the country — even in DC. All I can say is, what a relief! No more shall we ever have to worry about bringing […]

“Please Fuck the Onion Rings” When I saw this instruction on somebody’s Johnny Rockets order, I could hardly believe my eyes. Of course, I would never “fuck” an onion ring, that’s just crass. I was in such disbelief that I went to tell my neighbor, Jasper, about it and he couldn’t stop laughing! All he […]

It’s finally that time of year again! As the cherry blossoms on the Tidal Basin enter their annual screaming stage (see previous Heckler post), it’s time we recognize what this celebration is truly all about: the 110-year friendship between the United States and Japan, which has been mutually beneficial for all and has had absolutely […]

Joy Upon Joys! For a semester and a half, I have lain in wait! I have assembled my navy and consolidated my plan of attack! At long last, on April Third in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Twenty-Two, all my hopes and all my efforts have come to fruition in the Intramural Battleship […]

Georgetown loves its students of all abilities! That’s why they have announced the opening of a new Disability Center, to be located on the roof of VCW. You know that slick, slanted, blue metal roof? Yeah, that one. The only way up is by ladder, but don’t worry! Mask and Bauble has generously donated their […]

If you recently answered an Instagram poll of ours, congratulations and thank you! If you haven’t, you’re a piece of shit! The Heckler signed a contract with the National Security Agency at an undisclosed time in the past which guarantees compensation ($0.04/answer) to The Heckler in exchange for data on its readership. For a safer […]

Joint efforts by the Georgetown University Departments of Slavic Languages, Classics, and Small Program Languages have made article translation possible. An English version can be found below. Darnall residents and other north-campus denizens like Amelia Santos (COL ‘25) have been able to watch the progress made on the new Medstar medical pavilion that’s been under […]

The United Nations Security Council sessions have been a bit intense lately. In fact, to be more precise, they’re a “complete shit show holy shit how can we even bother with these formalities with what’s going on right now,” as one anonymous UN staffer told The Heckler after a few post-work drinks. With the Russian […]