Healy Lawn was awash with confusion Wednesday morning after President John DeGioia climbed atop John Carroll with a shoddily-fashioned paraglider mounted on his back, screamed, “Later, bitch nerds!” and leaped from the lap of the statue, quickly hitting the ground due to a complete lack of buoyancy and spraining a clavicle. In an interview with […]

Interviewer: Kurt, you’ve done an excellent job thus far in the interview. So far, no candidates have been able to solve this math problem. In order to become the most consulting consultant, you must prove your advanced math skills. Kurt: I’m ready! I’m ready! Ooh golly, I’m ready! Interviewer: Okay here it goes: “Jill has […]

Hark! Hark! Hear my tale of sights heretofore unseen. It was only this very morning while strolling along the bricklaid esplanàde when, would you know, upon looking up from the Facebook, I caught sight of small furry friend of man. The twinkle in its eye lit a similar glint in my own, and on I […]

On December 12, 2023, The Office of Environmental Health and Safety (or, as I like to call them, The Office of Soulless Stinky Little Party Poopers) tore me away from my one true love – my partner through thick and thin: my GoTrax G5 scooter.  In the blink of an eye, I had to say […]

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, meaning that it’s cuffing season for real. Here at The Heckler we recognize that getting dicked down can be tough, especially if you ghostwrite for a campus satire publication. As such, here’s our top 10 ways to proposition fellow Georgetown students in ways that only a fellow Hoya […]

As the timeline between a pop culture issue and our collective interpretation of said issue hits bedrock, collapsing in upon itself with all of the speed and force of the Titan submersible’s puny carbon hull, one must ask oneself: how long will it take before my brain becomes mush? Perhaps it is the sips of […]

The ins and outs of male anatomy have long perplexed the scientific community. Since the dawn of time, humanity has wondered why some of us are endowed with great meaty hogs, while others are doomed to bear acorn-sized peckers till the end of their days. While we have come no closer to answers to these […]

Marissa and I were on the rocks. She was always mad at me for one thing or another: first it was that I “never spent any time with her,” then that I was “way too into electric scooters.” I couldn’t do anything right. And last week, she was all, “You’re trying to cheat on me […]

WASHINGTON – Former Vice President Mike Pence announced today that he is prematurely terminating his presidential campaign. After struggling to gain a foothold in the polls, due to what political analysts call “having nothing to offer,” Pence decided against bringing his campaign to a four year term, and will return to his home in Indiana […]

The second Industrial Revolution has ushered in the era of the degenerate and the sinner. Accelerated by a rise in corporate capitalism, more and more of our supposed “free thinkers” are being poisoned by vice-stricken technology. According to sources trusted by The Heckler, new polls now reveal that more American teenagers listen to rap music […]