Feeling ANXIOUS? Try finding… And if that doesn’t work, there’s always…

The Heckler was recently contacted by Tyler Whiteface, 23, MSB ‘28, a six-time freshman who has almost passed all his classes this time! Whiteface was eager to provide a column on his impressions of freshman year, as a seasoned professional of the craft. Whiteface, 23, from White Plains, NY, submitted two drafts before submitting the […]

Mark your calendars, ladies and gents: my uncle is finally hauling ass to the Hilltop this coming Family Weekend, and he’ll be whiling away his days in the District invading the personal space of countless Georgetown undergraduates. Steel yourselves for his sweaty palms, folks, and keep in mind that whatever he does is a sign […]

Students in the Yates men’s locker room this past Wednesday came in for a shock when the man who was once the leader of the nation’s response to the COVID pandemic utilized the gymnasium’s facilities with little to no regard for basic norms of modesty. Dr. Anthony Fauci, a recipient of the Presidential Medal of […]

Even in the off-season, Georgetown Football is on the up…the only direction they can go at this point. The first three quarters, the Hoyas were quiet and did not make too much of a splash on the scoreboard. Then, all of a sudden, quarterback Richard D. made a buzzer beater play (this football-speak was verified […]

1. First and foremost, it’s important to make sure that you’re smoking palindrome weed. Some notable strains include, “Pink Nip,” “Faded AF,” and “Evil Olive.” You can buy some using our 20% off discount code “ANAUJIRAM!” 2. Only true experts know this, but by reversing your joint, i.e., placing the lit end in your mouth, […]

Hey, this is Sgt. Loser contacting you from the U.S. Army Career Center. My role is to ensure civilians like yourself are aware of the benefits of enlisting in the U.S. Army, and your school district is part of my AOR (Area of Operation). Look, I know it’s been four years since you gave me […]

“Herm… why, excuse me, madam…” spoke the foul-faced freshman. “I happened to notice this… sticker on your water bottle there, if one could call it that. Indeed, I must say… quite gauche. I could never stoop so low as to virtue signal on my medium of beverage, but I suppose not everyone at this ‘prestigious’ […]

Bad news, guys. You know that girl in the back-left of your IR class? Yeah, she just discovered Adobe Photoshop, and it’s fucking over for everyone. Your entire Instagram feed is about to be aesthetic, pastel-blobs with curly little fonts superimposed on top, describing to you the imminence of the dangers of vaping. Just let […]

As a Jesuit institution, a miniature model of the crucified Jesus hangs on the classroom walls. But what’s not so miniature is Jesus’s erection looming over the college students who are simply just trying to learn. Sherry takes stats in Walsh 394, and she said: “It’s just so distracting. I try to pay attention to […]