Speaking out for the first time, representatives of Georgetown Admissions relayed their shock that applicants have been subverting the carefully upheld process of institutionalized bribery for alternative methods. “Like the rest of you, we were absolutely devastated by this news. As the gatekeepers to the university, we take admissions processes seriously and believed we had […]

TUNNELS– John Doe (MSB ’21) was extremely proud to be elected as the Marketing Representative of his secret society, which obviously will remain nameless, because it’s a secret. Doe was proud of his society which promoted wealth and homogeny.   However, things are starting to turn sour for Doe as he’s starting to wonder what […]

GEORGETOWN- Since the news broke regarding Georgetown University’s involvement in the College Admissions Scandal, campus is abuzz talking about those who faked a place on the tennis team in order to ensure a spot in the school. The rise in attention devoted to the faux tennis players has ruffled the feathers of the formerly most […]

During one of Jack the Bulldog’s routine morning walks, he waddled into a fellow bulldog who gave him a sense of foreboding gloom. While exchanging the customary posterior sniffs, Jack realized what was so off-putting. He was smelling the anus of more youthful version of himself. Jack used to feel he was in his prime, […]

  LONDON – We haven’t heard from Adele in about five-ish years so we figured it was about time to check in. Her bi-decadely album has to be on its way and we at the Heckler want to help you prepare. For starters, you have to get sad now. This means taking the necessary steps. […]

SAVANNAH, GA–Reflecting on recent years the Grand Marble Staircase noted that it had been absolutely ages since it had last felt the gentle swish of a descending debutante on its steps. When pressed for details the staircase reflected, “My, my well it must’ve been 23? 24? I remember it distinctly because the fashion at the […]

SCIENCE – Researchers recently uncovered that 65% of retail customers who say they are ‘just browsing’ are actually working up the courage to kiss the salesman on the mouth. The survey included data collected from men and women ranging in age from 18 to 55, who just wanted to be swept away by a romance […]

Village B – Students were recently evicted from their top floor apartments after Vil B roof began to sulk about how hard its week had been. “I have three midterms this week and a load of homework, I just don’t know if I can keep it up,” it commented. Vil B’s residents claim to have […]

When Haley Joel Osment delivered the performance of a lifetime in the 1999 classic,The Sixth Sense, he rightfully assumed that people would be sufficiently impressed to actually show some gratitude for his work 19 years into the future. Disgracefully, that is not so. During the Oscars on Sunday, not a single person thanked Osment for his […]

    Green Book   The cool thing about Green Book was that my wife Jeanine and I got to watch the entire movie without interruption from our deranged neighbor. Honestly, throughout the film’s entire 2 hour 10 minute run-time our neighbor didn’t even make it to our front yard. Did I hear his blood-curdling […]