Hoyas, it’s that time of the year again! New Student Orientation is here and so are all the fun-filled traditions that come with it, including one of the university’s most widely celebrated: The Implantation! Today, each member of the incoming freshman class will line up to receive one microchip in the neck, promptly passing out […]

My first semester in college was great, but honestly a little more mundane than I expected. While I tried LSD for the first time from a stranger I met outside of Assets in Dupont, and there was that one time at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, things just haven’t lived up to the depictions of adult […]

Sometimes, you really need to get your sexy, glasses-wearing, CULP boyfriend going. But how do you get them sufficiently revved up? Thankfully, we at The Heckler have compiled a list of things you can say to get their face out of a book and into your erogenous zones: “You’re such a voracious reader!” “It turns […]

Well, yes, you have received a three month extension on the draft. It’s now due in four days, ten hours, and seventeen minutes. But it’s okay, king! Thinking about it a lot is really half the battle, and lord knows you are now expecting to start thinking about thinking about starting your thesis by now. […]

This morning, DeGioia’s isolation room in the university hotel was found empty by his female followers who had come to pay respects. According to Catherine Armour and Ranit Mishori, who had come sealed by a large rock and guarded by two mask monitors, they found the rock cast aside and his room empty.  Asked what […]

The sweet shouts of exuberance And promis’d hot chocolate’s innocence Crowd the clouds and aloft birds’ wings, As the blissful bask in their swings. You will never ever (ever!)1 Feel this. Curs’d to only endeavor For borrowed wist, lensed memory By knowing that Frankenweenie Was Released a decade ago When you were eleven or so. […]

There is a knock on the door— a chilled-out, playful rat-a-tat. When I open it, I can’t believe my eyes. Georgetown University President John DeGioia is standing at the door, suitcase in hand — and is that a neon St. Pauli girl sign? “Excited to join you in the bro-tel, man!” he exclaims, plugging in […]

On Wednesday, April 6th, 2022, Dr. Ranit Mishori decided she could take it no longer. Looking out of her penthouse on the top floor of MedStar Georgetown University Hospital, Mishori peered out over the teeming masses of students and cried, “Look at their horrible teeth! Rooting bones in rotting flesh!” Mishori threw her stethoscope to […]

GEORGETOWN, MARCH 2022 – Hooray! At long last, it seems like COVID is finally coming to an end. We’ve all been vaccinated, and now indoor mask mandates are being lifted across the country — even in DC. All I can say is, what a relief! No more shall we ever have to worry about bringing […]

“Please Fuck the Onion Rings” When I saw this instruction on somebody’s Johnny Rockets order, I could hardly believe my eyes. Of course, I would never “fuck” an onion ring, that’s just crass. I was in such disbelief that I went to tell my neighbor, Jasper, about it and he couldn’t stop laughing! All he […]