GEORGETOWN – The first annual meeting of the Campus Know-Nothing Party, a student group devoted to combatting the influence of foreign religious orders, enforcing temperance, and agitating for presidential candidate Millard Fillmore, has raised the possibility that Georgetown University has been infiltrated by agents of the Romanist world conspiracy. Present at this meeting was sophomore […]

We at The Heckler know that the schedule of a college student can quickly become convoluted. With all of the late nights, early mornings, and unexpected trysts with guys from your zoom class who turned out to be tall in real life, it can be hard to remember to take the pill at the same […]

“That’s better,” Professor Mills-Newhouse says as he takes off his mask after asking the student in the back of the classroom to repeat an incorrect answer for the fourth time. He emphatically nods his head despite still not being able to hear Heather’s hot take and promptly wipes his nose with his hand that he […]

THE FOURTH PLAIN OF SORROWS — I recently had the privilege of interviewing Georgetown’s first-ever extradimensional student (unless my ex finally admits that she’s a malicious entity inhabiting a human body, Emma). As Georgetown’s premier news publication, The Heckler was summoned to a location beyond spacetime itself to cover a very pressing matter. Here’s how […]

Ferdinand Magellan, Neil Armstrong, Frodo Baggins – all of these bold adventurers of old pale in comparison to Jake, your next-door neighbor. He sashays barefoot through the diverse ecosystem that is your floor’s communal bathroom, with no regard for his own safety or health. Such brazen defiance is not without consequences, as the entirety of […]

Every morning before his 9 A.M. Spanish class, Alistair Thomas III tells his roommate that he’s going on a run. Then, he walks to Burleith to take a picture of Duke Ellington from afar, purposefully cropping out the giant letters that say DUKE ELLINGTON SCHOOL OF THE ARTS. Why, you may ask? Well, after his […]

Being gay is awesome and being gay at Georgetown is awesome too. Gay people like a lot of things and that’s pretty cool. Some gay people like other people and two great places to find them are Red Square outside the ICC or in the Lauinger Library. There are male people there and female people […]

GEORGETOWN – While stumbling home to Harbin on a partly cloudy night after her first Vil A rooftop party, Amelia Mumford (MSB ’25) happened upon a gorgeous sight.  “I’ve literally… never seen the moon so big,” Mumford heroically slurred, enunciating fairly well even though she was way drunker than she’d promised her roommate she would […]

“Actually,” interrupts Jack Williams (SFS ’25), “sex trafficking is a densely complex issue with a number of multifaceted factors that must be admitted into our consideration.” The class gasps. No one has ever said something so intelligent.  “Tell me more,” coos Professor Hopsdick, clearly won over by Williams’s flowery language. “Well the thing is, when […]

LEAVEY – Freshman Dan Saint-Pierre (COL ‘25) hadn’t dared to look up as he read his article aloud. He knew that this was his only chance to achieve his dream of becoming a student journalist at The Georgetown Voice, the paper he had read over his morning porridge every day as a child. And yet, […]