Bill Clinton (SFS ‘68) is a world renowned statesman, diplomat, perjurer, philanthropist, adulterer, and most importantly, Georgetown alumnus. As a true Renaissance man, he is constantly seeking to expand his boundaries, and the final frontier, he’s decided, is eating cockroaches regularly! As he gazed at his own off-putting face he explained, “Roaches everywhere like we […]

Dear Parents, We at The Heckler understand how hard it is to be away from your children for the first time so we are writing you this letter to put your mind at ease. We promise that your child is learning valuable skills in their first few months on campus. It’s probably their first time […]

In Red Square, a makeshift vigil: students assemble in a solemn circle, holding candles with bowed heads. At the center of their memorial is a heap of flowers and framed photographs – not of any individual, but fields of corn.  No, this isn’t a gathering of homesick Midwesterners or maize enthusiasts. These are members of […]

In a video parodying your seventh grade English teacher’s favorite show, GUASFCU accidentally showed images of 12 account holders’ sensitive financial information, exposing them to potential identity theft, fraud, and more. And revealed that one student (Evan Stinger, MSB ‘25) pays over $600 each month for a daily delivery of a new body-pillow. In defense […]

Wait, don’t click the back button! We, the New York Times Opinion Section, know we’ve messed up in the past, but this time we definitely have the right take about transgender issues. Yes, this year we said that a cisgender woman’s fear of being criticized by trans people on Twitter were just as important as […]

After the short-lived chaos of move-in day, you may feel that there isn’t much in the way of sightseeing on Georgetown’s campus, but you’d be wrong. The Heckler would like to remind you that – every year – hundreds of insecure freshmen arrive on campus wearing truly ridiculous and gawk-worthy outfits. They say that “this […]

Ever since your mother had her first bite of a Trader Joe’s pumpkin samosa, her life and yours have not been the same. It’s so sad that your mother, who took care of you until you left for college, is so preoccupied by Trader Joe’s pumpkin flavoured foods that she no longer picks up the […]

This semester, GPB has officially offered a pinky promise to all students that they will host a single event that can be deemed “thoroughly enjoyable” by even a single student. The bold claim comes after general disappointed acceptance regarding the organization’s role on campus in past semesters. “We weally weally pwomise dat we will do […]

Midway through his daily run last Thursday, Brady (MSB ‘24) came to a startling realization: every monument he’d passed had depicted a man. Confused, he began to look for public displays dedicated to women as he ran back to campus. “I was sure I saw one at the Vietnam War memorial,” he told reporters, “But […]

The distress call came in at 11:47pm. An attempted robbery on Prospect and 36th.  GUPD officers Gump and Gumbo blitzed to the scene at a leisurely pace. The crime was still unfolding as they arrived—a masked assailant attempting to wrest a handbag from a panicked student.  “Woah woah woah, hold it right there mister,” officer […]